Addressing Sin Patterns in Children

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Hello, friends. Today's podcast question says, how do I address my eight-year-old son's repetitive stealing mainly of sweets and money in a biblical way?

Well, this is an important question for us to think through because stealing—especially repeatedly—is a serious offense. And so we're going to think through today, how can we address when our children are sinning and they're sinning repeatedly, and especially when it's very serious offenses.

You might not have a child who's in this situation where they're stealing, but you might have a child who's in a situation where they have another deeply ingrained sin pattern and you want to think through how to address it biblically. So that's what we're going to think through today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children that God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the biblical worldview.

I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled that you've joined me for another episode today.

Keep the Biblical Goal in Mind

Now, as we're thinking through disciplining our children and correcting their sinful behavior, I think one question that's important to keep in our mind and forefront of our minds as we're walking through this is: what is the biblical goal of parenting?

Because keeping the goal in mind in any situation in life is really important if we want to be actively striving to meet that goal. So when we think through biblically what the goal of parenting is, it's discipleship. It's to train our children to follow Jesus.

So if the biblical goal of parenting is discipleship—to train our children to follow Jesus—this means that when we are disciplining them, when we are addressing their sin, we need to both correct the behavior and get to their heart, which is where the root of the issue lies. Because the behavior that we are seeking to correct is a symptom of a deeper heart issue, the problem with the sin that resides in their heart.

So we're going to look through what it would look like in this situation where a son, an eight-year-old, is repeatedly stealing sweets and money. What would it look like to correct the behavior and also address the root of the problem, the issue of the heart? And I think that the pattern that I walk us through is one that parents can apply to any situation where they're addressing sin with their children.

Getting to the Heart Through Questions

Getting to the heart can be tricky, especially when our children have ingrained sin patterns. It's not like a one-off infraction. It's not like your son one time was caught stealing something, then demonstrated a repentant heart and never committed that same sin in the same way again. When our children have ingrained sin patterns, getting to the heart can be tricky. However, I think when we ask questions, we can help them start to think through the roots of the issue.

So a few helpful questions are:

1. What did you do?
2. What were you feeling when you did this?
3. What were you hoping to accomplish?
4. What ended up happening?

I think these questions can be helpful because the first one addresses just confessing their sin, admitting what they did. The second question helps them discern, okay, what was I feeling inside? What was the desire underneath that was driving me toward this sinful behavior?

Then "what were you hoping to accomplish" helps get to the root of, well, what did I ultimately want? What did I want from doing this action? And then the final one—"what ended up happening"—that helps them see, okay, you were driving towards this goal. Did this activity help you meet that goal or did it not align with that goal?

A Practical Example: Walking Through the Process

So I'm going to walk us through an example of how we could walk our kids through these questions to try to really get to the heart. I'm just going to use the example that the questioner wrote in.

So let's say you catch your son stealing money out of your wallet.

First, have him give back the money. Immediately that needs to be done, that he gives back the money.

Then I would recommend sending him to his room or to another location—a location where he's not going to be doing anything so that both of you have time to calm your emotions down. Because your son is probably going to be angry that you caught him. You're probably going to be angry because of what he was doing. So you both need a little bit of time to calm your emotions.

So send him to a location where he's not going to be doing anything, but has time to calm his emotions and where you have time to calm your emotions and also to pray and think through how you're going to address this, what his punishment is going to be.

Working with a Hard Heart

Then once you've had time to kind of calm your emotions, to pray through this, go to his room or whatever location you've sent him to and ask him the four questions that I just outlined.

Now, it's possible for a child to have a very hard heart when we are trying to get to their heart. And if your child demonstrates a hard heart by just saying, "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know" anytime you ask him a question, tell him that you're going to give him some more time to cool down and you're going to come back when he's ready to talk.

So then just set a timer for like three minutes, five minutes, 10 minutes, however long. Come back into the room and ask him if he's ready to talk. And make sure that you actually go through these questions with him because it's really important.

Sometimes with some strong-willed children, it might take a long time. I remember when I was nannying one summer for a family, their four-year-old had probably the hardest heart that I'd ever seen in a four-year-old. And when I would discipline her, I would send her to a separate location. And when I would ask her if she was ready to talk about it, she would say no for probably about an hour and a half. So for a four-year-old to be that hardened, it was intense, but I was like, "I am not letting her get away with this and not getting to the root of the issue."

Walking Through the Four Questions

So when your child is ready to talk—which hopefully your child doesn't have a hard heart, but they might—when they're ready, ask that first question: "What did you do?"

And then listen to your child's response. That's right. You did take the money from my wallet. And make sure that you're addressing it in biblical language. So if your son says, "I took money from your wallet," you can say, "That's right. You did take money from my wallet. You stole that money from me."

Make sure that you're addressing the sin biblically because we humans like to use modified language to make our sin not seem so big, but your son stole. That's a big deal.

Then ask the next question: "What were you feeling when you did this?"

Your son might say, "I don't know." And you can say, "Okay, it's okay if you didn't know what you were feeling, but I want you to keep that question in mind as we go through the other questions so you can circle back to it."

Or he might say, "I was feeling like I really wanted to buy the new Lego, whatever," and say, "Okay, so you were coveting. You were wanting something that you didn't have. So those were the feelings that were driving this."

Then, "What were you hoping to accomplish?"

And your child might say, "I don't know." So you can reframe the question. You can say, "Okay, what did you want the money for?"

He might say, "I wanted the new Lego set that Joey has because he has it and it's not fair that he has it and I don't."

Then you can say, "Okay, so you wanted the money for that Lego set because you wanted what Joey has. Well, that helps us figure out what you were feeling. You were feeling envious of Joey. You were feeling that you couldn't be content with what God has given you and you wanted what God has given Joey instead. So you were feeling envy." So make sure again, you're coming back, you're naming these things biblically.

Then ask, "What ended up happening?"

And hopefully your child will say something like, "You caught me," or "I didn't get away with it."

And you can say, "That's right. I did catch you. And now that I know that you tried to steal money from me, it's going to take a while before I'm able to trust you again. Every time I put my purse or my wallet down, I'm going to think in my mind, are you going to go in there and actually take my money? Are you going to steal what belongs to me?"

Addressing the Sin Against God and Others

And so having this conversation really gets to the root of it. And then you're going to want to talk through how coveting, how being envious of others and stealing are sins against God. They cut down our relationship with God and they cut down our relationship with others.

So talk with your child. Say, "When you felt like what God has given you was not enough and you were envious of Joey, you were coveting his new Lego set, what you were really saying to God is, 'God, you're not good enough for me. You haven't given me good enough things.' And so that's cutting down your relationship with God. And then when you stole from me, what you're saying is that I haven't been good enough to you, that I haven't given you the things that you need. And so that was a sin against God and a sin against me."

Leading Your Child Through Confession and Repentance

Walk your child through the process of confessing and repenting of their sin and asking God for forgiveness. Say, "These were sins against God. And so why don't we right now spend some time in prayer? Why don't you tell God what you did? Why don't you confess your sin to God, repent of it, tell him that you're sorry and ask for forgiveness and then thank him for the forgiveness that he freely offers to us in Jesus." And walk him through that time of praying through that.

Training Them in What Is Right: Put Off and Put On

Then after you've walked him through this process of confession and repentance, the next step is to walk him through the proper response, what he should do when he begins coveting what others have and is tempted to steal. Because this is the biblical pattern of putting off and putting on—that we can't just ask our kids to take off what is wrong. We have to also help them clothe themselves in what is right.

And so if you're thinking, "Oh my goodness, what do I do? I should just tell him not to steal," well, think about it biblically. The root of the stealing is coveting—that he is not being content with what God has provided him with. And the antidote for coveting is gratitude, because gratitude is a heart of thanks for what God has given us.

So explain to your son, "Whenever you're coveting, whenever you're wanting something that somebody else has, the right thing to do is to give God thanks for what he has given you. So next time you're tempted to start coveting and then to steal because somebody else has a nice new Lego set, thank God for all of the Lego sets he has provided you with. Think through all of the Lego sets that you have completed in your room. Thank God for your Ninjago Lego set. Thank God for your Star Wars Lego set. Thank God for whatever Lego set it is."

Then if he's tempted to steal a treat, a snack before dinner, say, "Okay, when you are coveting the food that's in our cabinet and wanting what you're not allowed to have before dinner, what can we thank God for? We can thank God that we get three meals a day and some snacks." So walk him through what it looks like to thank God for what God has already provided for him.

Implementing Biblical Consequences

So what we've walked through so far is going through the questions, then walking him through the process of confession and repentance, and then walking him through the process of doing what is right, putting on what is right.

Then the final step in this would be to tell him, to explain to him what his punishment will be. I think sometimes Christian parents think, "Oh, if I've talked through this sin issue with my child and they've confessed and repented, then there doesn't need to be a consequence." But that is very unwise.

Scripture, particularly in the Proverbs, encourages us to discipline our children to dole out consequences. And then in Hebrews, it's made clear that God disciplines us as his children, that God implements punishments, consequences in our life because we are his children and he loves us.

And so we as parents are to make sure that we are implementing consequences, punishments that are going to teach our children to do what is right. So whatever the punishment is, whatever the consequence is, it should be something that makes your son feel the sting of his sin while also training him to do what is right.

So different families for different children, consequences are going to look different. However, it needs to be something that actually has him feel the sting of his sin. I mean, when you think about it, stealing is a serious offense. And if this sin pattern is not corrected in childhood, your son may one day end up being in trouble with the law and could face incarceration if he continues this sin of coveting and then stealing.

So it's important to address this consistently and biblically, aim at getting to the heart because that's where the root of the issue is. It's coveting. And then making sure that as you're training him to do what is right, you are implementing consequences serious enough for him to feel the sting of the seriousness of his sin.

Summary: A Biblical Approach to Repeated Sin

So just in summary, the goal of parenting—the goal of biblical parenting—is discipleship. So we need to make sure that as we're disciplining our children, we're seeking to get to the heart of the matter, that we're asking them questions that are helping them reflect on what they did, what they were desiring, and are really getting to the root cause of the sin that is residing in their heart, not just the behavior, the fruit of that incorrect, sinful desire.

Then we need to train our children to do what is right. So in this situation, once we get to the root of the coveting, we need to give them the antidote, which is gratitude.

And then finally, we need to implement consequences that will help them to change the behavior, to help them change this sinful behavior.

Take the Next Step in Biblical Parenting

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Well, if you have a question that you would like for me to answer on a future Foundation Worldview podcast, because we cannot do this podcast without you, you can submit that question by going to foundationworldview.com/podcast.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is the exact same prayer that I always pray for you: that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, that you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of his Son.

I'll see you next time.