Beyond "I'm Sorry": Instilling Genuine Repentance in Kids

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Hello, friends! Today’s podcast question is a great one:

"What are some helpful habits to teach my young kids (ages 3-7) to help them learn to truly repent and ask for forgiveness when they sin against someone—usually a sibling or a parent? Often, it feels like they just go through the motions to avoid punishment."

This is such an important question because we know our children will sin against one another—and against us—a lot. Just like us, they are sinners, and we tend to sin most frequently against those we know love us unconditionally.

So today, we’re going to explore how we can help our children not just say, “I’m sorry,” but truly repent and seek forgiveness in a way that honors God.

Discipleship: Training the Hands, Heart, and Head

When we think about discipleship, we need to recognize that it involves three key components:

• The heart – Our relationships and affections.
• The hands – The rhythms and routines we put in place.
• The head – Our thoughts and thought patterns.

For those of you who haven’t checked out our Foundation Worldview Parenting Series, I highly recommend it! In that series, we cover discipleship of the heart, hands, and head in great detail.

Now, while all three areas are involved in discipleship, when we’re working with young children—ages 12 months through seven years—most of our focus is on training their hands. We’re establishing patterns of behavior that will later shape their hearts and minds.

I think of it like The Karate Kid movie. (Now, this is not an endorsement of The Karate Kid—just an illustration!) If you remember, Daniel has been working for Mr. Miyagi, expecting to learn karate. Instead, he’s been waxing cars and painting fences. Eventually, he gets frustrated and says, “I’m done! I’m not your slave.” But then Mr. Miyagi starts to fight him, and Daniel suddenly realizes that these repetitive motions have been training him for karate all along.

In the same way, when our children are young, we’re training their hands—establishing patterns of behavior that, in time, we pray will be accompanied by a heart that desires to follow God.

Repentance and Forgiveness Shouldn’t Be an Escape from Discipline

One part of this question stood out to me:

"Often, it feels like they just go through the motions to avoid punishment."

I want to gently challenge this way of thinking. Repentance and forgiveness should never be a way to escape discipline. When our children sin, they should still be corrected.

I know it can feel overwhelming to discipline every single time—especially when they sin multiple times a day. But discipline isn’t just about consequences; it’s about making disciples. We need to correct and train them, not just let them say “I’m sorry” and move on.

This is also how God parents us. In the grand story of the gospel, Jesus did take our punishment for sin, and we are forgiven. But in our daily lives, God still disciplines us. He allows us to experience consequences—not to punish us, but to shape us into the image of Christ.

The same should be true in our parenting. When our children sin, they should be led to repentance, but they should also experience the appropriate consequences that will help train them in righteousness.

Training Young Children in Repentance and Forgiveness

At this young age, we should require our children to ask for forgiveness when they sin and to extend forgiveness when they are sinned against.

Now, will they always fully understand what they’re doing? No. Their hearts may not be in it yet. But we are setting the foundation for them to develop godly habits.

I was reminded of this recently when I spent Thanksgiving with one of my siblings. My nephew, who is 20 months old, sinned against his sister. His parents disciplined him and then said, “Now you need to tell her you’re sorry.” So he went over and said, “Sorry.” Then, they prompted, “And now she needs to say, ‘I forgive you.’” But instead, he said, “I forgive you.” He didn’t quite understand that he was the one asking for forgiveness, not extending it!

At this young age, they may not grasp the full meaning, but they are learning the right pattern: when they sin, they need to repent, and when they are sinned against, they need to forgive.

Helping Children Move Toward Genuine Repentance

Once your child reaches three or four years old, you can begin talking to them about their repentance. Sometimes, you may have these conversations in the moment:

"Hey, the way you said 'I'm sorry' didn’t sound very sincere. What’s going on in your heart?"

Other times, it’s best to wait until emotions settle. Bedtime can be a great time for this. After you’ve read Scripture and prayed together, you can say something like:

"Do you remember this afternoon when you pushed your brother? You said sorry, but it didn’t seem like you meant it. Let's talk about that."

The goal of this conversation isn’t to guilt-trip them but to help them recognize when their heart isn’t in the right place.

After talking, pray with them. Thank God for His grace, and ask Him to soften their heart and help them truly repent. Then, continue praying for them privately. While we can guide their hands and shape their hearts, only God can bring true conviction of sin.

Parenting Is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

As parents, we naturally want to see change in our children right away. But parenting isn’t a sprint—it’s a marathon.

We live in a culture of instant gratification. If you think of something you need, you can pull out your phone and order it in 30 seconds. But spiritual growth doesn’t work that way.

The changes we long to see in our children may not happen this week, this month, or even this year. In some cases, we may not see them for a decade. But that doesn’t mean our efforts are in vain. We must remain faithful in shaping their habits, pointing them to Christ, and praying for God to do the work that only He can do.