Helping Your Child Understand That Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

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Hello, friends. Today's podcast question says:

"My five-year-old says that she doesn't love anyone but mommy and refuses to tell people she loves them because she doesn't want to lie. She is being honest, but how do I help her understand what love means? That it's not a feeling, but a choice and a command from the Lord."

This is a really good question for us to think through. How do we help our young children understand what it means to love? This is a question we're going to dive down deep into today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children that God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the Christian worldview. I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled that you've joined me for another episode today.

Celebrate Your Child's Honesty

My first response to this questioner is — how wonderful that at five, your daughter is able to articulate what is going on in her heart and her mind. That's a real gift, and we don't want to take that for granted.

I was actually thinking of this several years ago when I was on vacation with my family. My parents and my siblings and their spouses and kids were all there. One of my nieces — she was three at the time — was angry with me the whole week. She never wanted to do anything with me. Every time I talked to her, she kind of gave me a dirty look. Anytime I came and sat down next to her, she went and moved to another place. It was just very obvious that she was angry with me.

So I just gave her some space that week. Then the next time I saw her, when I went to visit that sibling at their house, I said, "Sweetie, do you remember when we were on vacation and you were really angry with me?"

She said, "Yes."

I said, "Do you know why you were angry with me?"

And she goes, "Yes, I didn't like that you play with my cousins."

Oh my goodness — what she was experiencing was jealousy. Normally, I go to visit her at her parents' house and it's just her and her siblings. But during this vacation time, it was her and her parents and her siblings and an aunt and uncle and other cousins. Wow — how amazing is it that at three years old, she's able to articulate what's going on in her heart and her mind? And the amazing thing about that is that I was then able to have a conversation with her about jealousy and how we are called to love others.

So I think it's so great for this questioner that your daughter is able to articulate, "I don't feel these same emotions towards other people that I feel towards you." This provides a wonderful opportunity to talk with your daughter.

Don't Force "I Love You" — Coach Truthful Alternatives

Now, just as a little bit of a caveat before we dive into this question: I don't think it's a wise idea to force our children to say "I love you" to others. As is demonstrated in this question, sometimes our children might not actually love others. And a lot of times when we say "I love you," what we mean is "I have affection for you" — and your child might not be feeling affection for the other person.

So I think the first thing that's wise to do is just to coach her in some other phrases she can say in response that are true. Let's pretend that you're visiting your parents and your mom says, "I love you, sweetie." The natural response that we would hope our children would say is, "I love you too, Grandma" — but maybe your child isn't there yet.

You can coach her on a few other responses she could say. When Grandma says "I love you," she can say:

• "Thank you for loving me, Grandma." That's an appropriate response — she should be thankful that her grandmother loves her.
• "You're such a great grandma." Because that is true. She's a wonderful grandma.
• "I enjoy spending time with you." This is honest and warm without requiring her to say something she doesn't feel.

That way, you're giving her a phrase that is true and appropriate to say, so she's not put in this awkward position of saying "I love you" when she doesn't feel like she has affection for that person — or doesn't feel like she has the same level of affection that she has for you.

Take Your Kids to Scripture: What Does Love Actually Look Like?

Now, the next part of this question is: how can we actually help our children understand what love is? This is where I think we should take them directly to Scripture.

I'm sure many of your minds went to 1 Corinthians 13, which is a great passage to take our kids through. We can read 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4 through 7, which describes what love is:

"Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

We can read this passage with our children and then ask, "What truths does this passage reveal about love?"

If you're working with a younger child — like this questioner said, her daughter's five — you can start off by just reading one sentence at a time: "Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude." Start there, and then talk about what those things mean.

Then you can say, "Okay, so does this say that love is a feeling? Do we always feel like being patient and kind?" No. "Do we always feel like not envying or boasting?" No. "Sometimes do we feel like being arrogant or rude?" Yeah. So love isn't a feeling — love is a choice to be kind to others in this way.

If we can have these conversations with our kids, we're helping them understand that yes, love does sometimes come along with wonderful affections, and when it does, that is a gift. However, love can still exist without those affections. Even when we don't feel like being patient or kind, we can still choose to love.

A Practical Approach: Focus on One Quality Each Week

I think a great way to grow our kids in an understanding of this is to focus on one truth about love each week. Say, "Okay, this week we're focusing on love being patient," or "This week we're focusing on love being kind."

Then ask your kids questions to help them grow in this: "Who can we be kind to today?" Maybe it's a sibling, maybe it's a parent, maybe it's a friend or a neighbor or somebody else.

At the dinner table, you can ask, "How did you see someone show kindness today?" Talk about different people that you saw showing kindness. Then pray with your child that God would grow you and them in kindness.

When you do not practice kindness, confess and repent of that — asking God for forgiveness and thanking Him for the forgiveness that's freely offered to us through Jesus. Then spend time thanking God for His grace and the perfect love of Jesus — how Jesus is always kind to us.

You can take some time, focus on one quality each week, and go through this passage together. You can even write that quality on a note card and hang it on the fridge, or on the wall, or on the mirror — someplace that's going to remind you that this week, we're focusing on love being kind.

Growing in Love Is a Lifelong Journey

Now, gaining an understanding of what love is will take a lifetime. I am currently going through a Bible study with some young women that I'm discipling, and the first ten weeks of the Bible study were focused on love and what it looks like to love others. And here I am — at the time I'm recording this podcast, I'm 40 years old. I've been a Christian for 34 years. And I'm thinking as I'm going through this Bible study, oh my goodness, I have so much room to grow in loving.

By God's grace, as I've gone through this study, I've grown in loving — but I still have so much room to grow. Gaining an understanding of what love is will take a lifetime. It's going to take a lifetime of sanctification. So we can't expect that our children at the age of five or eight or ten or fifteen are going to be completely loving. But we can be intentional about guiding our children and growing ourselves in an understanding of what love is and intentionally loving others.

For Older Kids: Explore How "Love" Is Used in Our Culture

For those of you who have older kids, this is where you could be intentional about exploring the word "love" and seeing if the way it's used in a certain situation aligns with the biblical definition — or does not.

Those of you who have taken the children in your care through our Careful Thinking curriculum here at Foundation Worldview know that we have several lessons in Unit Two that explore different words in our culture, such as "love." We cover what different meanings people have when they use this word, and then we give them examples of sayings — things people might say — and have them evaluate: What definition of love is used in this phrase? Can you understand it? Do you have to ask more questions to figure out what someone means?

You can go through different phrases found in our culture with your kids. For example, you can ask your child: sometimes people say, "Why can't people love whoever they want to love? Why do Christians not like love?"

Then ask your child: when someone says, "Why can't people love whoever they want to love?" — are they saying, "Why can't people be patient and kind with whoever they want?" No, they're not saying that, because the biblical answer is that not only can we be patient and kind to whoever we want, but we are called to be patient and kind to everyone. We are called to love everyone.

Then talk through what this person is actually asking when they say, "Why can't people just love whoever they want to love?" They're asking, "Why can't people just have sex with whoever they want, whenever they want, however they want, so long as there is consent?" These are two very different things. The biblical definition of love is looking out for the good of another — being patient and kind to others even when it's hard for ourselves. The way this person is using "love" narrows it down just to sexuality, and they're not focusing on the good of the other person. They're focusing on what they want and what they think is best for them.

As our children age, we really want to help them understand how the word "love" is used in vastly different ways in our culture than it is used in Scripture.

Keep Learning and Growing Together

Well, that's a wrap for this episode. If you found this content helpful and you want to keep growing in how you equip your kids to think critically and biblically, I'd love for you to join our email community at Foundation Worldview. When you sign up, you'll get practical resources and encouragement delivered right to your inbox — so you never miss out on conversations like this one that help you navigate the real questions your kids are asking.

And if you haven't already, could you do me a huge favor and invest the few seconds it takes to rate and review, like, and subscribe to this content? Doing so really helps us spread the word and equip as many parents as we can to get their kids thinking critically and biblically. If you have a question that you would like for me to answer on a future Foundation Worldview Podcast, you can submit that by going to foundationworldview.com/podcast.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son. I'll see you next time.