How Much Physical Intimacy Is Okay Before Marriage?

Also Available on:

Hello, friends. Today's podcast question asks: "How much physical intimacy is okay before marriage? I used "The Talk"...Made Easy series to teach my 6-year-old about God's good design for sex. I think this topic would be brought up eventually, and I should give my child biblical guidance on this."

This is a great question to think through ahead of time when our children are young—probably at a younger age than when we'll actually talk with them about this question. So how much physical intimacy is okay before marriage? That's the question we're going to dive deep into today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the biblical worldview.

I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled that you've joined me for this episode.

"The Talk"...Made Easy Series

As this questioner mentioned, they have used "The Talk"...Made Easy series. If you haven't already checked that out and you have children who are eight and under, I highly recommend that you check out that series. It's a simple three-lesson video series where we help you walk through the basics of anatomy, sex, and reproduction with your children between the ages of four and eight. The series is available at our website at FoundationWorldview.com, and it's only $15. It's a great series to walk through with your kids.

Once you've walked through those initial conversations, you'll want to continue having biblically based conversations about sex as your children continue to grow.

Age-Appropriate Timing

The question at hand about how much physical intimacy is okay before marriage—this is a conversation that we're not going to be having with our little ones. It's probably appropriate to have around the age of 12 with our children. So if you are listening to this podcast with children who are younger than the age of 12, you may want to pause it right here and pick it back up when it's just you or just you and your children who are 12 or older.

Two-Part Approach

I think the first thing we need to do in answering this question is:

1. Think through what is the biblical view regarding physical intimacy before marriage
2. How can we talk about this with our children

Why This Question Isn't Directly Addressed in Scripture

The question of what is permissible before marriage is not directly outlined in Scripture. Part of this is because when Scripture was written, in both the ancient Near Eastern world and the Greco-Roman world, men and women were so segregated in daily life that a couple who was engaged to be married would not have had much alone time together to even engage in physically intimate acts.

Was it still possible? Yes, it was still possible. But nowadays when our kids start dating, they're going out on one-on-one dates, driving in cars, and can be alone for hours upon hours at a time—something that just was not possible in the world in which the Bible was written. So this question is not directly addressed in Scripture.

Three Biblical Questions Framework

However, on previous podcasts I have walked us through three simple questions we can ask ourselves to help glean a biblical answer anytime we're thinking through a topic that is not explicitly outlined in Scripture:

1. Does the Bible specifically command or forbid anything related to this topic?
2. What general biblical principles apply to this topic?
3. How can I go about making a wise decision regarding this issue?

Let's go through each of those three questions regarding physical intimacy before marriage.

Question 1: What Does the Bible Specifically Command or Forbid?

There are multiple passages of Scripture we could go to that talk about God's design for sex, but I think there are two that are really important for us to think through.

Ephesians 5:31-32

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."

This passage makes clear that becoming one flesh—which includes the act of sexual intercourse—is the sign and seal of the marriage covenant within marriage. So sex is the sign and seal of the marriage covenant. Those of you who have taken your young ones through our Talk Made Easy series know that we talk about that. That's how we explain the concept of sex—we say that sex is the sign, the promise of marriage.

This passage also makes clear that becoming one flesh pictures Christ's relationship with the church. So Ephesians 5:31-32 makes clear that the command is that this act of becoming one flesh is for marriage. It's the sign and seal of the marriage covenant, and it pictures Christ's relationship with the church.

Hebrews 13:4

"Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

This passage again is reiterating that the act of sexual intercourse is solely for marriage.

So regarding this first question—does the Bible specifically command or forbid anything related to this topic?—when we're thinking about physical intimacy, the act of sexual intercourse, of actually physically becoming one flesh, is solely reserved for marriage. It's the sign and seal of the marriage covenant and part of the marriage covenant which pictures Christ's relationship with the church. So it's very clear in Scripture: sex is solely for marriage.

But that doesn't completely answer our question of how much physical intimacy is okay before marriage, because there are a lot of things physically that a couple can do without technically having sexual intercourse. So we're going to look at the next question to further answer our question.

Question 2: What General Biblical Principles Apply?

I'm going to cover three biblical principles that I think very clearly apply to this topic. They're not the only ones, but they're three that I think are important for us to think through.

Principle 1: Treat Others as Image Bearers

Genesis 1:27: "So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

For those of you who are faithful Foundation Worldview podcast listeners, you probably have that verse memorized because I reference it probably at least one out of every three podcasts—it's so foundational.

One biblical principle when we're thinking through how much intimacy is okay before marriage is that we need to treat others as image bearers. Any person we are getting to know, are in a dating relationship with, or are engaged to—that person bears God's image and we need to treat them as such.

Principle 2: Don't Act Selfishly

Philippians 2:3-4: "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

This biblical principle is that we are not to act selfishly in our interactions with others, but we are to primarily think about the good of the other person—what is ultimately good for this person.

Principle 3: Imitate God and Avoid Sexual Immorality

Ephesians 5:1-4: "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."

There's a lot to unpack in this passage, but just really briefly, this passage makes clear that we are to imitate God, that we are to walk in love. Part of what this means is that sexual immorality is not even to be named among us. This means not doing things that even give the appearance of sexual immorality or lead to it.

So these three biblical principles that clearly apply here are:

• We're to treat others as image bearers
• We're not to act selfishly, but are to think about the good of others
• We are to imitate God and not even let sexual immorality be named among us

Question 3: How Can I Make a Wise Decision?

How can I go about making a wise decision in determining how much physical intimacy is good before marriage? I think there are some questions we can ask ourselves based on these biblical principles.

Question A: Does This Act Treat the Other Person as One Who Bears God's Image?

Whatever act that is prior to sexual intercourse, whatever act you're thinking about—does this act treat the other person as one who bears God's image? Because we know that God is omnipresent; God is everywhere. So whenever someone is with someone engaging in any kind of physical act, God is right there.

So we should think: Does God view what I'm doing with and to this person as worthy of being done to someone who bears His image, yet I am not married to?

Question B: Am I Thinking of Myself or the Good of This Person?

When you're thinking through a specific physical act, how is what I'm doing with or to this other person benefiting them? Now, the other person may definitely feel like this physical act is benefiting them, but if the only benefit in the situation is bringing them sexual pleasure and you are not married to them, this is not ultimately for that person's benefit because sexual intimacy is to be reserved for marriage.

Bringing that kind of intimacy to the person before marriage is not ultimately for their good, because what you are doing is acting out this promise that a husband and wife are to make to one another with their bodies—the promise saying, "I'm giving all of me to all of you for my whole life." Yet you're acting out that promise without having made that promise before God, before your family, and legally recognized by the state.

Question C: Is What We're Doing Leading to Sexual Immorality?

Some forms of physical intimacy are not necessarily on the pathway to sexual intercourse. For example, holding hands with someone, giving them a hug, or giving them a soft kiss on the cheek or on the lips—these are not naturally leading to sexual intercourse. Now, can these things eventually lead to sexual intercourse? Yes, they can. But just holding hands with someone isn't naturally on the pathway to having sex with them. Giving someone a soft kiss on the cheek or on the lips is not naturally leading to sexual intercourse.

However, other forms of physical intimacy are naturally on the pathway to sexual intercourse. You can tell that because when you stop this act of physical intimacy, your body is left craving more because the human body was actually designed for that act to lead to sex. So basically anything more than a soft kiss on the cheek or the lips really is an act that was designed ultimately to lead to sexual intercourse.

My Biblical Conclusion

Now, I know that many will disagree with me here, and I know—not from my own experience, but from the experience of friends who I've watched—that it is possible to do more than just a soft kiss on the cheek or the lips and still physically not have sex before you get married. I have many friends who have done more than that before marriage and still have not technically had sex before marriage.

However, when we look at the biblical principles that I outlined earlier—those three biblical principles that we're to treat others as image bearers, that we're not to act selfishly but are to think of the good of others, and that we are to imitate God by not even having sexual immorality named among us—I think that it's really difficult to make an argument that increased physical intimacy treats someone who is not your spouse as an image bearer, that it looks out for their ultimate good, and that it obeys the command not to let sexual immorality even be named among us.

Obviously, if somebody could make a very tight, clear-cut biblical argument for saying yes, this physical act does treat the other person as an image bearer, it is looking out for their best interest, and it is in no way letting sexual immorality be named among us, I would be open to considering that. However, from my own searching of the Scriptures, I think it would be very difficult to make a case that anything other than a soft kiss on the cheek or on the lips is actually fitting in with these biblical principles.

How to Talk Through This with Our Children

That was the first part of answering this question—how do we think biblically about this? The second part is: How do we talk through this with our children?

As I mentioned before, I don't think that this conversation needs to be had until a child is around the age of 12. Depending on your circumstances, where your child is being raised, the type of community, their schooling setting, you may need to have this conversation around the age of 11 or 10, but I don't really think before then you need to have it.

Focus on the Positive First

What I always recommend in any conversation about sexuality is to focus on what is positive, because we want to drill down into our kids that sex and sexuality is a good thing. It is a gift from God. So focus on what is positive: that sexual intimacy is the sign and the seal of the marriage covenant. It's a gift. God's design is good. This is something that God gave to humanity as a gift—the sign and the seal of the marriage covenant.

Just think about how good God is that He would create sex as the sign and seal of the marriage covenant! God could have made a handshake the sign and seal of a marriage covenant. He could have made any other physical act the sign and seal of the marriage covenant, but He chose to give us the act of sexual intercourse. How amazing is that?

Then Address the Corruption

Once we focus on the positive with our kids, that's when we can then focus on the corruption of God's good design. We can explain: "Some people—many people and even many Christians who believe that sex is just for marriage—they try to do as much as they can physically without technically having sex."

You can talk through this in greater detail with your older children and say they'll do many things, but they just won't have the man's penis enter the woman's vagina. They might be touching different parts of their bodies with their hands or whatever details you want to give (not too graphic). But then say, "However, we're going to look at what Scripture has to say about this."

Walk Through Scripture Together

I recommend that you take them through those passages of Scripture I outlined previously. Talk about the biblical commands. Talk about the biblical principles, and then say, "Okay, so based on what we have just read—these principles that sex is only for marriage, that all humans bear God's image and we're to treat them as image bearers, the fact that we're to look out for the benefits of others, the good of others, we're not to act selfishly, and that sexual immorality is not even to be named among us—once you get to an age where you are able to date, what do you think would be appropriate and not appropriate forms of physical intimacy?"

Obviously if your children are 10, 11, 12, they're probably not going to know a ton about other forms of physical intimacy aside from kissing. But you can just have this basic conversation. When you ask them what they think a good boundary is at this age, they're probably going to set an even stricter boundary than even you would suggest. They're probably going to say "holding hands only," and that's fine for that age.

Continue the Conversation

This is a conversation to continue revisiting as your children grow. As they understand different forms of physical intimacy and what they are, continue to revisit this conversation, revisit these biblical commands, these biblical principles, and talk through with them how to make this wise decision.

Once they do start dating, even though it's uncomfortable in their teen years, revisit these conversations because nobody—or maybe not nobody, but hardly anybody—is able to make a wise, biblically based rational decision in the heat of the moment if it hasn't been thought through ahead of time.

When your child is alone with someone that they're really excited about and they're very physically attracted to, that is not the moment for them to make the decision about what their physical boundaries are. The time to make that decision is when they're not with anybody that they're attracted to, when they're able to think rationally, when they're able to examine the biblical data and make those decisions ahead of time.

Conclusion

I hope that the content of this podcast has been beneficial in thinking through this question, but also in offering a framework to think through any question we want to think through biblically that is not directly outlined in Scripture.

Don't miss future episodes that will help you navigate challenging questions with your children! Subscribe to our email list at FoundationWorldview.com to receive practical, biblically-grounded guidance on the tough topics your kids will encounter. As a parent committed to raising children with a solid biblical worldview, you need resources that don't shy away from difficult conversations but instead equip you with wisdom and confidence. Join thousands of other parents who rely on Foundation Worldview for clear, practical guidance on everything from sexuality to apologetics to cultural issues.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son.

I'll see you next time.