How to Help Your Child Through Hard Circumstances

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Hello, friends. Today's podcast question says:

"My daughter who is six is an only child due to circumstances outside of our control. She often expresses she's lonely despite our efforts at being together as a family and having play dates. We've memorized Isaiah 41:10, but is there a more robust way to respond and love her in this?"

This is a really good question, and for the person who wrote this in, I am so sorry that you're walking through this situation. I myself am not a parent, so I can't fully understand the emotional depth of hurt that comes with walking a child through this kind of pain. But I know from friends and family members who have walked kids through really hard situations that it is really difficult emotionally to have to guide our kids through difficult circumstances—especially circumstances that are beyond our control.

We're going to focus on this specific question: How can we help a child who's an only child, who doesn't want to be an only child, but where that's really the only option? How can we help walk them through this process?

But I think this question really applies to any of our kids when they're walking through a circumstance that is hard, that they're struggling with, or just a circumstance that they don't like. So that's what we're going to dive into today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children that God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the biblical worldview. I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled that you've joined me for this episode today.

Five Steps to Help Children Think Biblically Through Suffering

As we're thinking through helping our children walk through times of suffering, I believe there are several different steps that are important for us to take to help them think biblically through these situations.

Step One: Demonstrate Compassion

The first thing I believe we need to do is simply demonstrate compassion toward our children. We need to let them know that it makes sense that they're hurting.

It makes sense for an only child to long for siblings because God designed us for relationships. To not have relationships with other children who are daily in the home with you—that is a loss. I think we need to recognize this and say, "It makes sense that you're hurting in this way. I'm so sorry." Explain that this is a situation you can't control, but it makes sense that they're hurting.

This applies to any situation of suffering. If a child is walking through an illness, let them know that it makes sense that they're hurting—that God didn't originally design the world for us to be sick. If they're walking through a disappointment, like wanting to make a sports team and not making it, let them know that it makes sense that they're disappointed. They have valid reasons for feeling sad in this situation.

Just let them know that you're sorry they're having to walk through this, that this is a really hard situation. First, demonstrate compassion and let them know that it makes sense that this is hard.

Step Two: Pray With Them

A second good step is to pray with them—to bring this hurt before the Lord.

If it's appropriate in the situation, ask God to answer their request. I don't know the situation the questioner is walking through, but maybe it would be appropriate to pray that God would send another sibling, whether through pregnancy or through adoption. Or you might say, "You know what? That just is not possible in our situation." In that case, you're not going to pray for the request of a sibling. Similarly, if your child hasn't made the sports team, you're not going to pray that they can make it because they already haven't made it.

But you can let God know that you are trusting Him with the results. Whether it's appropriate to pray for God to change the situation or not, just pray. Have your child pour out their heart before the Lord and demonstrate a trust in Him: "God, we don't understand why You're allowing us to walk through this right now. This is very painful. This is really hard. But we do trust You."

Then ask that God would comfort your child in this situation. Through this, you're modeling for your children that we are to pour out our hearts before the Lord and bring our requests before Him.

Step Three: Take Them to Scripture

The third step is to take them to Scripture. Now, there's a whole host of passages we could use, but I think one that is particularly helpful in situations of disappointment, sorrow, or suffering is Romans 8:26-29:

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

We can take our children to this passage, read it with them, and then go verse by verse asking, "Okay, what does this passage reveal about God's Holy Spirit?"

It reveals that the Spirit helps us in our weakness. Sometimes we don't even know the right things to pray for. Sometimes we're so hurt that we don't even know what to pray. But this passage reveals that God's Spirit intercedes for us—He prays for us, He prays God's will for us. Talk through how amazing that is! God is our advocate. God's Spirit is helping us in our weakness, praying for us according to God's will. That should be of great encouragement to us.

Then ask, "What else does this passage reveal about God? What else does it reveal about us?"

Verse 28 reveals that God is working all things together for our good if we are His. If we've been reconciled in our relationship to God through Jesus' life, death, and resurrection, God is working all things together for our good.

Talk with your kids and say, "This means that you not having a sibling and really wanting a sibling—this is not an accident. God is allowing this situation in your life for your good." If your child is suffering with an illness, you can say, "It's not an accident that you are sick right now. God has allowed this for your good." If your child is walking through some other kind of disappointment: "This disappointment isn't an accident. God is allowing you to walk through this situation for your good."

Then look at verse 29 and how God works things together for our good. It reveals that God is using these things to conform us more into the image of His Son Jesus.

For the questioner who wrote in, you can talk with your daughter and say, "You know what? We don't know all the reasons why God has allowed you to be an only child right now. But we do know that God is using this for your good, and that somehow God is going to use you being an only child and wishing you weren't to make you more like Jesus."

We want to anchor this in Scripture.

Step Four: Give Thanks

The fourth thing we can do is give thanks. Once we understand these truths about who God is and what He's doing in and through our lives, we need to express gratitude.

Spend some time after you read that passage in Romans 8. Thank God that His Spirit is interceding for you—that even when you don't know what to pray for, God's Spirit is right there interceding and praying for you. Then thank God that He's using this situation to conform you and your child more into the image of Jesus.

Spending time giving thanks teaches our children to go before the Lord with a heart of gratitude, even for things that are very, very difficult.

Step Five: Help Them Look Outside of Themselves

The fifth step is really important: equip our children to look outside of themselves.

Our culture is very focused on self-help—the idea that you need to figure out all these things in your own life before you can go and help someone else. But Scripture tells us that our primary command is to love God, and our secondary command is to love others. Often the way we love God is through loving others. Part of obedience is loving others.

In this situation, as your daughter is feeling sad about being an only child, you're going to want to help her take her eyes off of herself and look at: "Okay, who can I reach out to in this situation that I might not have been able to reach out to before?"

If your child is suffering with an illness, have them think through, "Because I'm sick right now, or because I have this long-term illness, what has God enabled me to do to help others?"

If your child has been disappointed because they didn't make a sports team or something similar, think through, "What can I do in this situation to help others?"

Here are some practical examples:

• Make cards encouraging others
• Bake cookies for friends or neighbors
• Pray for friends
• Help together as a family to make a meal for someone at your church or in your neighborhood
• Have play dates with friends and invite people into your home to encourage them
• Depending on your church's nursery setup, your child may be old enough to volunteer there, helping younger children

We want to equip our children to take their eyes off of themselves.

A Personal Example

I'm so grateful that my mom trained me to do this when I was growing up. When I was in school—I went to public school and I hated it. I can tell you I'm so grateful for many things about my childhood, but when I think about school time, I'm so grateful that I'm an adult and will never have to go back to the school system I grew up in. Every time I think about it, I get a big fat stomachache.

I would get so nervous going to school, and my mom would always say to me, "Elizabeth, I know you're feeling nervous. We're going to pray about this, but who can you reach out to? What other classmates might be struggling? Who might need help in an academic subject? Who might need a friend that doesn't have a friend?"

While that didn't completely erase my anxiety, it really helped train me to take my eyes off of myself. And I think that has helped me as a pattern even into adulthood.

When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I went through that period where all of my friends were getting married. Even to this day, I think I have two single friends, and both of them live all the way across the country. The majority of my close friends—and all of my immediate friends right near me—are married.

It was such a hard transition as I went from being super close with people, then they would get married and our relationship would change, then they'd have kids and our relationship would change. It was so hard, and it was so tempting to just have a pity party and think, "This isn't fair. God's allowing all of my friends to get married and have kids, and I'm still stuck here in singleness, in the same place."

But what my mom had trained me to do—to reach outside of myself—was so helpful. I was able to change my attitude and say, "Okay, God, for some unknown reason, is not choosing to give me a spouse and therefore is not choosing to give me children. What can I do with what He has given me to bless others?"

That developed a pattern in my life of looking and saying, "Okay, I have a lot of free time as a single person. I'm not taking care of a spouse. I'm managing my house, but there's not too much to manage—it's just me. It doesn't get very messy. I don't have to create a lot of meals."

I have a lot more time than most people. So this enables me to babysit for other people's kids. This enables me to be part of meal trains more often. This enables me to reach out and try to get together with people who might not have a lot of people getting together with them. This provides an opportunity for me to open up my home and practice hospitality.

If we can train our children when they're in this young stage and experiencing something difficult—some form of suffering—to take their eyes off of themselves and look at who they can bless because they're in this situation, we're teaching them to seek for ways to glorify God and love others.

Summary: Five Steps for Walking Children Through Suffering

So just to recap, the five steps I walked us through are:

1. Demonstrate compassion
2. Pray with our children
3. Take them to Scripture
4. Give thanks
5. Help them look outside of themselves

For those of you watching on YouTube: if you've found other things helpful as you've walked your children through difficult seasons of suffering, please write those things in the comments. It's always helpful for us to hear from others about beneficial things different parents have done to help their children think and live biblically in different aspects of life.

Don't Miss What's Next

Well, that's a wrap for this episode. But if you have a question you'd like for me to answer on a future Foundation Worldview podcast, you can submit that question by going to FoundationWorldview.com/podcast. Thank you to those of you who have written in questions before, because we literally could not do this podcast without you.

If today's episode was helpful to you, I'd encourage you to join our community by signing up for the Foundation Worldview email list. You'll receive practical resources, encouraging content, and be the first to know when new episodes drop—so you never miss guidance on helping your children navigate life's challenges with a biblical foundation.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is the same as always, and it comes from that passage in Romans 8. I'm praying that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, that you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son.

I'll see you next time.