My Child Has to Win. What Should I Do?

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Today's podcast question says, "I'm having real trouble with my children being super competitive. Could you outline what the Bible has to say about this? Is there a healthy level of competition that we should be nurturing? What about when one child is simply less talented and will basically never win?"

This is an interesting question, and I think it's an important one for us to think through because competition is a natural part of life. So what do we do when our children are being competitive or are engaged in competition? That's the question we're going to dive down deep into today.

What Does the Bible Say About Competition?

As we're thinking about competitiveness and competition, the word "compete" does appear in the Bible several times. There are several competitions mentioned in the Old Testament, and namely when the word "compete" or "competition" is used there, it's describing a form of battle — a competition between two opposing sides. It's usually a battle to the death, so obviously this is not the type of competition we are wanting our children to engage in.

In the New Testament, competition is mentioned in 2 Timothy 2:5, where Paul writes:

"An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules."

Here Paul uses the word "competes," but when you read this passage in context, he is using it as an analogy, telling Timothy that he's supposed to share in the sufferings of Christ. He's comparing the sufferings of Christ, saying, "Every Christian is supposed to share in these sufferings just like every athlete is not going to be crowned unless he competes according to the rules."

So you might be saying, "Okay, Elizabeth, what in the world does this have to do with competition and our kids?" That's a good question, because the Bible does not directly instruct us about competitiveness. It doesn't give us rules saying, "This is how you should compete. This is how you should not compete." However, I think there are several clear biblical principles that apply to competition and competitiveness in our children, and that's what we're going to dive into.

What Is Competitiveness?

The first question we want to ask ourselves in order to think biblically about this is: what is competitiveness? I went onto the Cambridge Dictionary online and looked at the definition of "competitive." According to the Cambridge Dictionary, competitive means "wanting very much to win or be more successful than other people." So to be competitive is to want very much to win or to be more successful than other people.

With that definition in mind, what are the biblical principles that apply? I think there are two very clear ones.

Principle 1: Sports, Games, and Other Positive Competitions Are a Gift from God

When you're playing a game with others, involved in a sporting event, or in some other kind of competition, it's a good gift from God and should be enjoyed as such.

James 1:16–17 — "Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

So when you're starting a game as a family or driving your children to a sporting event or some other type of competition, you can discuss this with your children: "You know what? This game that we enjoy, this sport, this competition — this is a gift from God. God has allowed us to participate in this." I recommend that as a family, you spend a few minutes thanking God for this gift — thank God for the gift of being able to have a family game night, or to participate in a soccer game, or to be able to take part in some other type of competition.

Principle 2: Like All Good Gifts, Competition Can Be Abused

Every single good gift can be abused. Satan doesn't invent anything — he just takes what God has already created and twists it. It's the same with our sin nature. We're not inventing completely new things; our sin nature just takes good gifts and twists them.

The passage of Scripture I think we can take our kids to for this is Philippians 2:3–4:

Philippians 2:3–4 — "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

You can read through this passage and ask, "Okay, what are we supposed to do?" We're supposed to be humble. We're supposed to count others more significant than ourselves. We're supposed to look out not only for our interests, but also the interests of others.

We can help our kids see that friendly competition in a game or a sporting event is a good gift, while a desire to bolster ourselves above others or to put others down — that's sin. That's competition twisted. It's not part of God's good gift; it's a twisting of that gift. A desire to bolster ourselves above others or to put others down stems from pride (thinking we are better than others) or from envy (wanting what others have).

Addressing Sinful Competition Directly

If we see our children engaging in this kind of twisted competition — a desire to bolster themselves above others or put others down — we need to directly address it. If we see during a family game night that one of our children is teasing another child about how much better they are doing, or if we see a really negative or prideful attitude in a sporting competition, we need to address it head-on.

We can ask them: "Why are you wanting to put others down? Why are you getting so much joy out of making fun of your sister right now? Why are you getting so much joy out of seeing the other team lose so badly?" We want to ask these questions so we're helping them reflect on their own heart attitude, because the line between friendly, healthy, God-honoring competition and pride and envy is a really thin line. It's very easy to cross over.

So we want to point this out to our children as sin and then give them strategies for engaging in competition in a healthy way.

Strategies for Healthy Competition

How can we engage in a soccer tournament, a bowling tournament, or a game of Settlers of Catan in a way that honors God? Here are some practical strategies:

Put your best effort into winning. The answer to combating pride and envy is not to simply let others win. Maybe there could be a situation in which that's the best approach, but I don't think that's naturally the answer. We should put our best effort into competing to the best of our ability.

Encourage others while competing. As we see others doing well, we should point out what they're doing well. If we see others becoming discouraged, we should try to point out what they're doing well. We should seek to be kind — we can be competitive in a game without becoming prideful or envious.

Be willing to step away if appropriate. In a soccer tournament or other formal competition, stepping away might not be possible, but we can choose to step away from being super aggressive. We can encourage the other person. Even while we're still trying to steal the ball in soccer or basketball, we can maintain a positive attitude, a humble attitude, an encouraging attitude toward others.

Diffuse tense situations at home. If it's a game being played at home, you can help your children recognize when a sibling is getting frustrated: "You know what? If you notice your little sister becoming really frustrated, it's okay to step away and say, 'I think this is making you frustrated right now. Let's play another game or do something else.'"

What If One Child Is Simply Less Talented?

Another part of this question asks: what if one child is simply less talented? What should we do if one child is less talented at something and they're never going to win? I think there are a few things to consider here.

Allow for Handicaps Based on Age

If there's an age gap between your children and you're playing a family game, I think you should allow for a handicap. I saw this in action this summer when I was on vacation with my whole family. My parents were there, my siblings and their spouses and their kids — six grandkids total, ranging in age from two to eight.

One of the games we were playing was a Disney version of Spot It, and the kids playing ranged from ages three to seven. My sister-in-law would tell her seven-year-old, "Hold on, you have to wait for a few seconds. You have to let the four-year-olds have a chance," because four-year-olds aren't going to recognize certain objects as quickly as a seven-year-old. She didn't do this every time — sometimes she let her seven-year-old jump right in. But at certain points she'd say, "The four-year-old and the three-year-old need a little bit of extra time." If there's an age gap, you can allow a handicap for that.

Don't Manipulate the Situation for Skill Differences

If it's not an age-related issue but simply a matter of skill, I don't think we should manipulate the situation so that the less-skilled child wins. There could maybe be a specific situation where that would be appropriate, but across the board, I don't think that's the right approach.

Accepting that we struggle in certain areas of life is just a part of life. Nobody is good at everything. God has gifted us all differently — there are things we're naturally gifted in, and there are things that are just weaknesses. We don't want to make it so that our children never experience any struggle, because that's setting them up for failure in life.

Instead, Teach Siblings to Encourage Each Other

Instead of manipulating the outcome, talk with your other children about how they can encourage the sibling who struggles. If you have a child who's really good at basketball and always wants to shoot hoops in the backyard, and another child for whom basketball just isn't their thing, you might say: "I'm so grateful for how you love basketball, and I think it's so neat how your brother always goes out with you to play — because you know basketball isn't quite his thing. How do you think you can encourage your brother, even when he's not winning any of these games?"

Engage in Activities That Highlight Different Strengths

As a family, make sure you are purposely engaging in different activities that different children are good at. If one of your children is great at constructing Legos and every evening you're playing with Legos, but another child really doesn't enjoy that — play with Legos some evenings, then engage in a different activity that showcases another child's strength. This is just really helpful relationship skills, because even as adults, we're all gifted and skilled at different things.

Help Children Engage with Their Weaknesses in Enjoyable Ways

I think about myself growing up. My dad, my brother, and my sister were all very athletic and loved sports. I am not athletic. When people meet me, they usually assume I played basketball growing up because I'm somewhere between 5'9" and 5'10". But no — you don't want to see me try to run and dribble a ball at the same time. I don't have an athletic bone in my body.

Growing up, especially in middle school and high school, I just hated PE class. It was the bane of my existence. Even now as an adult, I'm sometimes self-conscious about this because a lot of times when adults get together — especially adults in my circles — they'll want to play pickleball or cornhole. Those are great activities, but I don't enjoy them because I'm not good at them.

So every once in a while I might choose to engage, but what I try to do is go with friends while they play pickleball and say, "I want to go and cheer you on, but please don't ask me to play." Or if there's a cornhole competition, I'll go and cheer others on, but I'll say, "I don't want to play because this isn't for me — engaging in something I'm so terrible at is not at all fun. But I can engage with it by encouraging you."

So if you have a child that's not athletic, or not musical when the rest of your children are, talk about how they can still engage with their siblings in a way they enjoy. Maybe your child doesn't love going to music recitals, but maybe it would be okay once a week to sit down and listen to another child play a piece on the violin or piano. Maybe your child doesn't enjoy going to baseball games — this was me growing up! I probably spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours watching my brother play baseball, and it was not my favorite thing. But I learned how to bring different things to the game to enjoy and tried to find different people I could talk to.

Help your child engage with those things that are a struggle in a way that they enjoy.

Applying Biblical Principles to Everyday Life

I hope that as we've walked through this process of thinking through how we can help our children think biblically about competition, you can see that even when Scripture doesn't directly speak to a topic — Scripture doesn't really directly address how we should engage in basketball (it wasn't even invented back then!) and it doesn't speak too much about competition or competitiveness — there are still clear biblical principles that we can apply to topics not directly addressed in Scripture, because Scripture does speak to all of life and how we engage in all its different parts.

Well, that's a wrap for this episode. If you found this content helpful and want to keep learning how to equip the children in your life to think biblically through everyday situations, I'd encourage you to sign up for the Foundation Worldview email list. You'll get practical resources and be the first to know about new episodes and content so you never miss an opportunity to disciple the kids God has placed in your care.

And if you have a question that you would like for me to answer on a future Foundation Worldview Podcast, you can submit that question by going to FoundationWorldview.com/podcast.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son. I'll see you next time.