Talking with Your Kids About Suicide: A Gospel-Centered Framework

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Hello, friends. Today's podcast question is a bit of a heavy one. It says:

How would you explain death by suicide to elementary-aged kids, especially when the loved one was likely not a Christian? My family struggles with mental health issues and my cousin recently died by suicide. I don't want to scare or put thoughts in my kids' minds that are unnecessary.

Well, thank you so much for writing in this question, and I just want to say how sorry I am. I know that is a tremendous loss. As I was preparing notes for this podcast, I was praying for you, that the Lord would give you and your family wisdom, that he would comfort you, and that he would really ground your kids firmly in the hope of the gospel.

So talking with kids about suicide is what we're going to dive down deep into today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the kids God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the Christian worldview.

Two Parts to This Question

As we're thinking about talking with kids about suicide, there are really two different parts to this question. The first part is talking with kids about suicide in general. The second part is talking with kids about a family member or friend's suicide. These are two related topics, but they're different because one is general in understanding what the concept is, and the other is very personal.

We're going to start off looking at the first part and then move into the second.

Part One: Talking with Kids About Suicide in General

I think that anytime we're tackling tough topics with our kids, it should always be done through the lens of the gospel, looking at creation, fall, and redemption.

For those of you who have already purchased a copy of Helping Your Kids Know God's Good Design: 40 Questions and Answers on Sexuality and Gender, our recently released book at Foundation Worldview, you know that is the format we take in all 40 chapters. I was actually talking with a friend at church a few weeks ago and he said, "Oh, Elizabeth, I read your book." He said, "But by chapter 32, I really didn't even need to hear what you were going to say because I already knew the formula you were going to give. You were going to look at: What is creation order? How has this been affected by the fall? And what is the redemption through Jesus?"

Anytime we're talking with our kids about a tough topic, that's the lens through which we want to think about it: creation, fall, redemption.

Start with Creation

In thinking about suicide and introducing the topic to our children, we want to take that same creation, fall, redemption lens. I'd first start by sitting down with your child and saying, "Okay, how did God design the world? Let's look at how God designed the world."

Then you can take them right to the first chapter of Genesis.

Genesis 1:31 says, "And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day."

Say, "Okay, what is the word that's used to describe how God created the world?" That's right. It's good. God designed everything good. God's design is good.

Move to the Fall

Then we can ask our children, "Okay, why is it that so much of what we see in our world today is not good? If God's design is good, why do we see so much that is bad?"

I recommend taking your children over two chapters in Genesis to Genesis chapter three and reading verses 17 through 19.

"And to Adam he said, 'Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, "You shall not eat of it," cursed is the ground because of you. In pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life. Thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.'"

We want to talk with our kids about why we see so much that isn't good. It's because Adam and Eve rebelled against God. They became sinful, guilty before God, and God cursed the ground.

For those of you who have taken the children in your care through our God's Good Design curriculum, you can go through the same activities and verses we covered in that lesson in the second unit on sin corrupting God's good design. Just go through those activities and verses again to review this concept that sin corrupts God's good design.

If you haven't taken the kids in your care through that curriculum, that's okay. Just make sure as you're going through this passage that you're talking about how God's design is good, but it has been corrupted by sin.

Introducing the Concept of Suicide

Once we've laid this biblical foundation of God designing the world as good and sin corrupting that design, that's when we want to dive into the topic of suicide. We can say, "One of the ways that sin has corrupted God's good design is through causing sicknesses in our bodies and in our minds."

We can say, "Now, we're already familiar with body sicknesses," and talk about the different types of sicknesses people can get in their bodies: colds and coughs and flus and stomach bugs, and there are even more serious sicknesses like cancer.

Then you can say, "Just like our bodies can become sick, our minds can become sick as well." And then say, "Sometimes when people's minds are sick, those minds trick them into believing that life is just too hard and that it would be better if they were dead. So sometimes when people have a sickness in their minds, they decide to kill themselves. This is called suicide."

Making Space for Questions

Now, this is the scariest part, where you're going to want to open it up and allow your children to ask questions. Say, "Do you have any questions about this?"

We want to do this for two reasons: one, to know what's going on in our kids' minds, and two, to really help them feel comfortable coming to us with their questions and concerns. In order for them to feel comfortable to have that open line of communication, we need to make clear that we welcome their questions.

You may be thinking, "Oh my goodness, but what if they ask me a question that I don't know the answer to?" That's okay. What you do is affirm their question and say, "Oh, that's a really good question. I'm so grateful that you are thinking about this carefully." Then say, "You know what? I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question right now, but we're going to pick up this conversation again tomorrow and then I'll answer it. Does that work?" Just buy yourself some more time.

Now, your child might ask you a question that wouldn't be helpful for them to hear the answer to. They might ask, "How do people kill themselves? What are some of the ways that people do that?" If that happens, you can keep a smile on your face and again affirm their question. Say, "Oh, I'm so grateful that you're thinking about this. God has given you such a sharp mind." Then say, "You know what? Answering this question right now wouldn't be helpful because I don't want to put ideas in your mind about how people go about killing themselves. But when you're older, we'll come back to this question and talk more about it."

Point to Redemption

Then explain what you want them to focus on instead, which is the third part: redemption. Say, "You know what? Right now, what I want you to focus on is this question: Is suicide the end of the story? Is that the end of the story, that some people kill themselves sometimes and it's terrible?"

I recommend you take your children to Revelation 21:1-5. This passage is one of my absolute favorites in Scripture.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"

Talk with your child through this passage and say, "What is the end of the story?" The end of the story is that Jesus returns and he makes heaven and earth new. He wipes away every tear from our eyes. He gets rid of sin and sickness and death and crying and pain. All of those things will be gone forevermore.

Suicide is not the end of the story. If someone has trusted in Christ as their Savior, they will be resurrected with him when God makes all things new.

Part Two: Talking with Your Child About a Loved One's Suicide

So that's the first part: how to talk with our children about suicide in general through the lens of creation, fall, and redemption. Now comes the more challenging part: how do we talk with our child about a family member or friend's suicide?

This is really challenging. I don't have personal experience of talking with my own biological child, because those of you who are faithful Foundation Worldview Podcast listeners know that I'm not married and don't have children. My experience with children is in the classroom and then as an aunt and as a member of the local church.

However, when I was teaching, throughout my years in the classroom, I had three different students whose parents committed suicide at various times. Even though I don't know from a biological standpoint how hard it is, I do know from loving children in my classroom and watching them walk through the pain and grief of a parent committing suicide how deeply tragic that was.

We want to be very careful when we're talking with our kids about a loved one committing suicide.

Lay the Gospel Foundation First

I recommend that when opening up this conversation, if you have not already had that first basic conversation about suicide through the lens of the gospel using the creation, fall, and redemption framework, that you take your kids right to it. For this person who wrote in this question, I still recommend you talk with your children through those same questions: How did God design the world? Why is it that so much we see in our world today is not good? And is suicide the end of the story?

Have the Difficult Conversation

Then, that's where you have to have the difficult conversation and just explain briefly that your loved one decided to take his or her own life.

I'm going to model for you how you could have that simple conversation, because I know sometimes hearing others give a framework and the words to say can be helpful.

If I were in this situation, I think what I would probably say is:

"Last night (or last week, or whenever it was), your cousin committed suicide. He took his own life and he's dead now. This is a very sad thing. We're going to miss him a lot. And as far as we know, he didn't know Jesus. However, we can't be sure of that. We can't be sure that he didn't know Jesus. So he might be with Jesus right now, or he might be in a situation where he's going to be eternally separated from Jesus."

"This is really sad. And this situation is a really good reminder of how important it is for us to repent of our sin and to trust Jesus as our Savior. This life is so hard because of the corruption of sin, but Jesus died and rose from the grave that we could have eternal life with him."

Allow Questions and Pray Together

This again is where you're going to want to allow time for your children to ask questions. If they ask something you don't know how to answer, or if they ask something you're just not sure what to do with, thank them for the question and tell them you're going to need a little bit more time before you're able to answer.

After that, you can pray with them. I highly recommend that you take them with you before the throne of God, because this is just a hard situation. You're going to want to pray with them and model for them that when our hearts are breaking, we pour our hearts out before the Lord.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Then I recommend that you remind them that if they have any other questions or thoughts later on, you want them to come to you. You are always happy to talk with them and answer their questions. You're keeping those lines of communication open.

I also recommend a few days later circling back and saying, "Hey, last Monday we talked about your cousin and him committing suicide. I just wanted to know what you're thinking or feeling about that, or if you had any other questions." You're checking in. You're reminding them this is not a topic that we hide from. We're able to share our questions, ask them, get answers, share our thoughts, share our emotions. Your children are reminded that you are a safe place to come to with their questions, concerns, and emotions.

Trust God in the Hard Conversations

Just as a reminder, this is a hard situation to talk about. But here is what I want to remind you of: God is in the business of working all things together for our good by using all things to conform us more into the image of his Son.

That's how I would be praying over your children in this situation, just saying, "God, I don't understand why you allowed this to happen. I don't understand how my children are going to process this. I'm kind of worried about talking about it with them, but I am just trusting that you are being faithful to your word and you are going to use this situation to conform me and my children more into the image of your Son. And I ask that that's what you would do."

Don't Navigate These Conversations Alone

If this episode has been helpful to you, I want to make sure you never miss future resources like this. We regularly tackle the tough questions Christian parents face, from discussing hard topics like suicide to helping kids understand the gospel at every stage. Sign up for the Foundation Worldview email list so you'll be the first to know when new episodes drop, plus get access to practical resources to help you equip the children in your care with a biblical worldview.

Also, if you have children between the ages of four and 12, I'd encourage you to check out our Foundation Worldview curriculums. As I mentioned in this episode, having a child who has already gone through our Biblical Worldview and God's Good Design curriculums makes conversations like this one tenfold easier because of the biblical foundation they already have. These podcasts are beneficial, but they're just the tip of the iceberg compared to what our curriculums are designed to do in grounding your children in the Christian worldview.

If you have a question that you would like for me to answer on a future Foundation Worldview podcast, you can submit that question by going to FoundationWorldview.com/podcast.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is the same as always, and it's the exact prayer I just outlined. No matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, that you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of his Son. I'll see you next time.