What to Do When Your Child Argues About Everything (Even the Bible)

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In this article:

• How to respond when your child argues that the Bible, or Jesus, is wrong
• Whether it was a sin for Jesus to stay in the temple or clear out the money changers
• How to tell genuine questions apart from anger or pride
• What to do when a child argues against your instructions

A parent recently wrote in with this question:

"My son is 12 and loves to argue. He's taken to arguing about the Bible, namely situations that he believes Jesus has sinned: staying in the temple when his parents left, and getting angry at the sellers in the temple. How do I address this argument while not shutting down his desire to ask questions?"

This is a really good question. And while it might not be one you have specifically thought through or experienced, most of us have worked with a child who is argumentative by nature. So we want to think through: what do we do when our children are argumentative, and specifically argumentative about the truths of the Christian faith?

At Foundation Worldview, we want to help you equip the children God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the Christian worldview. So let's dig in.

When we think about this question, what should we do when our children are argumentative? The answer really depends on what they're argumentative about. Are they being argumentative about something factual, as was described in this question? Or are they being argumentative about instructions we've given them, rebelling against what we've told them to do? These are two different situations, so today we're going to address both.

When a Child Argues About Something Factual

My first recommendation for factual arguments, like the one this questioner wrote in about, where her child is argumentative about Jesus and thinks Jesus actually sinned: we don't automatically engage in the argument.

Now, this is so hard, and I need to be honest that this is something I struggle with. It's something I am still learning. When I'm in a situation where someone is being argumentative, my natural response is just to argue back with what I believe to be true. But that is not the best way to engage with someone who is argumentative, and specifically not with a child.

So my recommendation is, when they start becoming argumentative, ask them questions related to the evidence behind what they are claiming. For this parent's son, who says, "Well, Jesus sinned when he left Mary and Joseph and stayed in the temple," rather than saying, "No, actually it wasn't a sin," you can ask, "What makes you think it was sinful for Jesus to stay in the temple?" Ask that to get behind his thinking. What is he thinking about this? Where is the evidence in Scripture that makes him believe it was sinful?

Or in the other situation, where the son thinks Jesus sinned by getting angry at those who were selling in the temple, you can say, "What makes you think it was sinful for Jesus to get angry at the sellers in the temple?" And then keep asking questions as he responds.

So in the first situation, about Jesus staying in the temple when his parents left, maybe the child says, "Well, Jesus didn't obey his parents. He stayed in the temple when they left." That's when you continue to ask questions. You can say, "Oh, that's interesting. How do you know that Mary or Joseph told him to come with them?"

Then you can actually go to that passage of Scripture, because in that passage in Luke, it does not say that Mary or Joseph told Jesus to come with them. It just says they assumed he was with them. So take your child to the text and say, "Okay, based on what is said right here, what makes you think they told him to come with them?"

When you respond by asking questions instead of arguing back, you are teaching your child that these questions are welcomed.

Or when you're thinking about Jesus clearing the temple, and your son says, "He was angry, and so he sinned because he was angry," you can respond, "That's interesting. What makes you think it's always a sin to get angry?" And then take him to the passages. Jesus clearing the temple is actually in all four Gospels. Take him to one, or read through all of them, and then ask, "Where in this does it say that what Jesus was doing was sinful?"

As you're having the conversation, you can give examples to help your child think about things from a different angle. With Jesus staying behind at the temple as a boy, you can ask: "If you stayed at church to help our pastor clean up the bulletins and the communion cups after our worship service, and your dad and I left because we each thought the other one had you, would you be sinning against us?" This is a parallel situation. If your child stayed to do something good, and neither of you had told him to come with you, would he have sinned? No. He would have been doing a good thing. You and your spouse just made a faulty assumption.

Or with Jesus clearing out the money changers, you can use a stronger example. This one is fine for a 12-year-old to think through; for a seven- or eight-year-old you might soften it. What I would say to a 12-year-old is this: if someone broke into a house, tied up the children, and took them away from their parents and dumped them in a field, would it be sinful for the parents to call the police and testify in court so the person who did this would be punished? No, that would be the right thing to do. The parents' anger over someone taking their children is a just kind of anger. It reflects God's heart, because God is a God of justice.

Then you can explain that the people exchanging money and selling animals in the temple were taking advantage of the poor and of the pilgrims who had come a long way to worship God. They were stealing from and abusing these people, all in the name of worshiping God. So help your son realize this was righteous anger. Jesus didn't get upset because a kid was running a lemonade stand outside his house. He was upset because the money changers and sellers were taking advantage of, stealing from, and abusing those who had come from far away with very little money to worship God.

So engage with these questions to let your child know they are welcomed. You can also affirm his questions: "I'm so grateful you're thinking critically about this."

If you want your child equipped to think critically in every area of life, I highly recommend our Careful Thinking curriculum, for children ages 10 and up. It is our least popular curriculum, but it is so important, because it systematically trains kids to ask good questions, look for solid evidence, and engage lovingly and truthfully with those around them.

Getting to the Heart Behind the Argument

When we have children who are argumentative about factual things, another thing we want to do is get to the heart of the matter. You can talk with your child and say, "I'm so grateful you're asking good questions. But tell me, why are you asking this? Do you really want to know the answer?"

If they say, "Yes, I really want to know," affirm that, because we want our children to ask good questions and think deeply. But that is not always the reason a child, or anyone, is argumentative.

The child might be angry at God, or you, or someone else, and they just want to prove the Bible wrong. If you sense that anger is behind the question, you can address it directly: "Are you angry about something? The way you're asking this makes me think you're not just wanting an answer, but actually wanting the Bible to be wrong. Can you tell me if you're angry about something?"

Another reason might be pride. The child wants to make themselves look smarter than others. If you sense that, you can say, "Asking questions to learn is a good and biblical thing. That's how God designed us. But asking questions because we're angry means we need to figure out where that anger is coming from and what to do about it. And if we're asking questions just to push other people down and make ourselves look smarter, that's pride. It's a sinful response, and we need to repent of it."

So really get to the heart: Does your child genuinely want to learn? Are they angry about something? Or are they wanting to make themselves look smarter than others? Those are my general recommendations for a child who is argumentative about factual things.

When a Child Argues About Instructions

A second very common type of argumentativeness is rebellious argumentation over directions parents have given. You tell your child to do something, like, "It's Saturday afternoon, time to clean your room," and rather than obeying, they argue with you.

Now, arguing is different from questioning respectfully. Let's say you ask your child to do something you've never asked before, and it confuses them. It's Thursday afternoon and you say, "I need you to take the trash out," and normally the trash doesn't go out on Thursdays. If they look at you and say, "Why are you asking me to bring the trash out now?" that's completely different from being argumentative and rebellious. They just don't understand. So you engage with it: "Because there was a holiday this Monday, trash is going out a day later. It'll be picked up tomorrow morning, so we need you to take it out now."

But if, after you've explained that, they say, "I don't feel like it right now," that is argumentative rebelliousness. And the way to address it is by getting right to the heart of the issue.

Those of you who are faithful Foundation Worldview Podcast listeners know that multiple times in the past I have recommended Ginger Hubbard's "Wise Words for Moms" chart. She addresses a whole host of different behaviors on that chart, and she gives three steps: heart-probing questions you can ask your child, a verse about what they're supposed to put off (a reproof), and what they're supposed to put on (the correction).

So let me walk us through her recommendations for both complaining and having a defiant attitude.

Complaining

If you ask your child to clean up their room and they say, "Oh, I don't want to clean my room. I just cleaned it last week. Why do you always make me do this? You're so mean, Mom," you go right to that chart.

The heart-probing questions are: "Is your attitude showing thankfulness and contentment?" You're revealing to them that they should be thankful and content right now, and that's not the attitude of their heart. Then: "Rather than complaining, what can you be thankful for?"

You could be thankful you have your own room. Isn't it a gift that God has given you a house where you have your own room? You have a bed you can make, a bed to sleep in. There are toys and clothes all over your floor, but you have so many toys to choose from. You get toys every Christmas and birthday, and you have more than enough clothes. So walk them through what they can be thankful for.

What they are to put off is complaining, and you can walk them right through Philippians 2:14:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing."

What they are to put on is thankfulness, from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Then walk them through what they can be grateful for, and now it's time to clean their room.

A Defiant Attitude

If it's not whining and complaining, but your child looks at you and rolls their eyes, crosses their arms, huffs, and says, "No, I'm not doing that right now," that's defiance.

The heart-probing questions for a defiant attitude are: "Are you obeying or disobeying with your attitude?" Because defiance and being argumentative can be done simply with body language. And: "Are you truly obeying when you obey with an unhappy heart?" You can outwardly obey and inwardly be grumbling and complaining, and that's not truly being obedient or submissive.

What they are to put off is defiance. The verse Ginger Hubbard recommends is Proverbs 28:14:

"Whoever hardens their heart falls into trouble."

What they are to put on is submission, from Proverbs 10:8:

"The wise in heart accept commands."

So we want to help our children in these situations think through: "I'm struggling with this. I'm really angry, really frustrated about this." Get to the heart of the matter, and then help them understand what they're supposed to take off and what they're supposed to put on. Again, this comes from Ginger Hubbard's "Wise Words for Moms" chart, and I highly recommend you check it out.

A Closing Word

Training a child who loves to argue is not about winning the argument. It's about welcoming genuine questions, discerning the heart behind them, and gently pointing your child back to what God's Word actually says.

If you want to equip your child to ask good questions, weigh evidence, and engage others with both truth and love, our Careful Thinking curriculum (for ages 10 and up) walks families through exactly this, step by step. You can find it in our shop. And if you'd like to make sure you never miss a future episode or resource, you can sign up for our newsletter below.

Our prayer for you is that no matter the situation you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves in, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of his Son.