How to Guide Your Children When Their Prayers Aren't Answered

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Hello, friends. Today's podcast question says:

"My five-year-old son was crying, saying that God never listens to his prayers for no more bad dreams. How do I explain that God is listening even though he still has bad dreams? My son is getting angry and frustrated over unanswered prayer. I don't want him to stop praying. What should I do?"

I'm so grateful that this question came in because I think that most children and adults — at some point, and quite often through many points in their lives — experience this. We are praying for help or for some certain prayer to be answered, and the prayer is not answered in the way that we ask for.

I know just in my own life that growing up, I did have friends. I had friends at school, I had friends at church. However, I didn't have anyone around that I felt like I could really share my heart with — that I felt like, in the words of Anne of Green Gables, was a kindred spirit.

I remember probably from about fifth grade through my senior year in high school, my mom and I would pray together every night. And one of the things we would pray for every night was that God would send me one close friend. Now, from college through my young adult years and now into my middle adulthood, God has been so faithful at answering that prayer. However, for that period of growing up — throughout my elementary, middle school, and high school years — I didn't see God answer that prayer. I remember growing up just feeling so frustrated and thinking, "God, all I'm asking for is one friend. I'm not asking you to make me popular. I'm not asking for a group of friends. I'm just asking for one close friend that I really feel like I can share my heart with." And the Lord really didn't answer that prayer until much later.

Even as an adult, I look back and I think — I started praying for a spouse when I was probably 13 or 14 years old. I just prayed that God would prepare whoever he had chosen to be my husband. Now, as I'm recording this podcast, I just turned 40 a few months ago. So from 13 to 40, that's 27 years. For 27 years I've been praying, asking that God would provide me with a spouse. But while God has answered that prayer, he's answered it by saying no. I don't know that the answer is going to be no forever, but at least for the past 27 years it has been.

I think that all of us experience asking God for things and him not responding in the way that we're asking. So what we're going to look at today is: How can we biblically guide our children when their prayers aren't answered in the way they're asking for?

That's the question we're going to dive deep into today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the biblical worldview. I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled that you've joined me for this episode today.

Before we dive into the content — if you have been blessed by previous podcast episodes, please be sure to like and subscribe so that you don't miss any future episodes. And if you could take the few seconds to rate and review this podcast on whatever platform you're listening on, that really helps us out at Foundation Worldview.

Step 1: Teach Them How to Pray

Now, thinking about how to biblically guide our children when their prayers aren't answered in the way they're asking for, I think there are several different steps we can take them through.

The first step is to teach them how to pray. Often, we teach our kids to bring their requests before God — which we should. That is part of prayer. However, that's not all of what prayer is.

I think a great place to begin is by taking our kids to the Lord's Prayer. In the Lord's Prayer, Jesus specifically says, "Pray then like this." If he commands us to pray like this, this is how we should be praying.

You can take your child or children right to Matthew chapter 6, verses 9–13, and read through this passage:

"Pray then like this: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

Read through this with your children and then say, "Okay, how did Jesus teach us to pray?" You might have to read through that prayer a few more times, but then identify the different things Jesus has guided us to ask for in prayer:

• Praise God for who he is. The Lord's Prayer starts with, "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name." It's praising God. May your name be kept holy. It's recognizing that God is holy, that we should praise him for who he is.
• Ask for his will to be done. How often do we do this? "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Those words pray, "God, what is your will? Please let that be done."
• Ask him to supply our needs. "Give us today our daily bread." We are to present our needs before God.
• Ask for forgiveness and the strength to forgive others. "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors."
• Ask for strength to resist temptation. "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

So we as adults should be thinking: Do we include these different elements in our prayers? Are we praising God for who he is? Are we asking for his will to be done? Are we laying our requests before him? Are we asking for forgiveness and the strength to forgive others? Are we asking for strength to resist temptation?

Even as I was preparing for this podcast, I was thinking, "Wow, I don't regularly include all of these elements in my prayer life." But Jesus specifically said, "Pray then like this." So these are things that should be included.

This is something we can talk through with our kids. We can say, "Jesus, when he showed us how to pray, did show us that we are to bring our needs before God — but that's not the only thing we're supposed to do. We're also supposed to praise God for who he is. We're also supposed to confess our sins before him." Then start including some of those different elements in your prayers together.

Step 2: Look at the Biblical Commands to Pray

The second thing I think is helpful is to look at the biblical commands to pray.

A few key passages of scripture we can take our kids to — the first is 1 Thessalonians 5:16–18:

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

We can take our kids to this passage and say, "Look — what are we commanded to do? To rejoice always. To pray without ceasing — that means we're supposed to pray without stopping. We're supposed to be talking to God throughout our whole day. Then we're supposed to give thanks in all circumstances. Even for things we don't like, we're supposed to be thankful."

The amazing thing is it says, "For this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." So many of us are praying, "Okay, Lord, what's your will? Should I do this? Should I do that?" — and we're asking for guidance in specific situations while ignoring the things that scripture has already revealed are God's will for us. Are we rejoicing always? Are we praying without ceasing? Are we giving thanks in all circumstances? These are three things that are clearly the will of God for us.

Another passage we can take our kids to is Ephesians 6:16–18:

"In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints."

We can talk through this passage with our kids and say, "Wow — we're supposed to take up the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit. We're supposed to pray at all times. Just like we read in 1 Thessalonians, we're supposed to pray at all times. And we're supposed to pray not only for ourselves, but for all of our other brothers and sisters in Jesus."

We want our kids to know that prayer should be this continual conversation with God — that we're commanded to pray at all times, to pray without ceasing.

Step 3: Look at Biblical Examples of Prayers Not Answered as Asked

The third thing we can do is look at biblical examples of prayers not being answered in the way the person asked for. I think the primary example of this is Jesus in the garden.

We can take our kids right to Matthew 26:39–46:

"And going a little farther, he fell on his face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.' And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, 'So, could you not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.' Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, 'My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.' And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. So, leaving them again, he went away and prayed for the third time, saying the same words again. Then he came to the disciples and said to them, 'Sleep and take your rest later on. See, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going. See, my betrayer is at hand.'"

We can read this passage with our children and say, "Okay, what did Jesus pray for?" He prayed that if it was possible, this cup — this whole process of being condemned and beaten and crucified — would not have to come. He prayed that it would be able to pass from him. But ultimately, what he prayed for is that God's will would be done.

God did answer his prayer. God heard his prayer. God's will was done. But was it in the way Jesus was desiring in the garden? Jesus wanted to do the Father's will, but in that moment he was praying that he wouldn't have to be crucified. God answered the prayer in a different way — his will was done, and Jesus was condemned to death and crucified.

We want to walk our kids through and show them that, like Jesus, when we pray, we should lay our requests before God and then say, "Not as I will, but as you will."

So even for the person who wrote in this question — as you're praying with your son at night that his bad dreams would go away, pray over his sleep, pray that God would give him peace, pray that he would not have these nightmares, that God would protect him from them. And then pray and say, "God, this is what we're wanting and asking you to do, but we know that you know what is best. So we are praying that your will would be done."

Trusting God's Good Purpose

Then a passage I think we can take our kids to — and those of you who are faithful Foundation Worldview Podcast listeners are probably chuckling because I think I've quoted this passage in about three of our past five podcasts and I always close with it — but it's such an important one.

Romans 8:28–29:

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

We can take our kids to this and say, "God promises that all of these things — even things like bad dreams — are working out for our good. And how is God doing that?" He's doing that by using bad things, even these bad dreams, to conform you more into the image of Jesus, his Son. Even if your prayers are not being answered in the way that you want them to, you can trust that God is using even that for your good because he's using it to make you more like Jesus.

You can give the example of yourself as a parent saying no to some things your child has asked for — and saying no because you know it's for your child's ultimate good. Bring in an example like, "Do you remember on Sunday after we had dinner and dessert, we came home and you asked me if you could have a bowl of ice cream — and you really wanted that ice cream. And I said no. Why did I say no? Because I knew you had already had dessert. More sugar was not going to be healthy for your body. It was going to cause you to stay up and not be able to fall asleep, cause your heart to race and your mind to race."

Talk about times when you've said no to things, or places you haven't let your kids go, or things you haven't let them purchase or do — and how you said no because, even though you knew it caused them sadness and disappointment, it was for their ultimate good.

If applicable, you can even share a time in your life when you were praying for something and ultimately didn't get what you prayed for. Maybe God responded with a no or a "wait," and you can see how God ultimately used that for your good.

A Personal Example

As I was writing notes for this podcast, I was thinking of my own example in singleness. At the beginning of this episode, I shared that for 27 years — the vast majority of my life — I've prayed that God would provide me with a godly spouse, and God up to this point has responded to that request with a no.

But I've been able to see so many ways in which God's "no" has been for my ultimate good and for his ultimate glory. Just over the past few years, I've watched different people who I respect — people who have been in ministries I respect, helping parents disciple their kids — and as their kids have grown and are no longer in the younger kids phase, now teenagers or adults, these people's ministries have changed because they're no longer in the day-in and day-out of discipling little kids. That's God's will for them, and it's a beautiful thing.

But I've been able to see that and think, "Wow, God — you're using my singleness and the fact that I am not bound to children in a certain time or age to keep the ministry at Foundation Worldview on the same course." You don't ever have to worry that I'm not going to be talking about how to talk to a four-year-old about something, or an eight-year-old, or an eleven-year-old — because this ministry is not tied to my own biological children who are going to be aging. I can see how God has used that for good. The ministry of Foundation Worldview, Lord willing, will be sustained with the same mission throughout the decades because it's not tied to me physically discipling my own children.

So help your kids look for those same things. How can you see God using this for their good? Or if you can't see any good in this situation, talk about times in the past when you have seen God respond to your prayers with a "no" or a "wait" and you've ultimately been able to see it be for his glory and for your good.

Recommended Resource

As we just went through and broke down those three steps — one, teaching our kids how to pray; two, looking at the biblical commands to pray; and three, looking at biblical examples of prayers not answered in the way they were asked for — if you're thinking, "Wow, Elizabeth, that was so helpful to have this broken down step by step," I highly recommend that you check out our book, Helping Your Kids Know God's Good Design: 40 Questions and Answers on Sexuality and Gender.

Right now, sexuality and gender are such contentious issues in our culture. Scripture has spoken very clearly to these issues, but sometimes it can be confusing to know how to logically break these concepts down in words and examples that your child can understand. In that book, we do this exact thing — we take this format of looking at a question, diving into scripture, and walking step by step through the truth of scripture in that particular area.

So I highly recommend you check out Helping Your Kids Know God's Good Design: 40 Questions and Answers on Sexuality and Gender. And if you already have that book and it's been a blessing to you, would you hop on Amazon and write a review of it? With the content of this book, it's one that Amazon will very quickly suppress in the algorithms. Even for people looking for help with this subject, it's not easy to find — but the more reviews we have on Amazon, the easier it will be for people who need this kind of help to find it.

Keep the Conversation Going

That's a wrap for this episode. If you have a question that you would like for me to answer on a future Foundation Worldview Podcast, you can submit that by going to foundationworldview.com/podcast.

If this episode helped you think through how to guide your child through unanswered prayer — or any of the tough faith questions that come up in everyday parenting — we'd love for you to join our email community. It's the best way to stay connected with new resources, podcast episodes, and practical encouragement for discipling the kids in your care. Just sign up using the form on this page so you never miss what's coming next.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of his Son. I'll see you next time.