Teaching Kids When to Obey Authority (and When God Says Don't)

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We teach our kids to obey adults. We should, because Scripture does. But every parent eventually runs into the harder question: what do we tell a child when an adult asks them to do something wrong?

A listener put it this way: "How can I teach my children the difference between God-honoring obedience to parents and other legitimate authorities, and the biblical call to exercise discernment and critical thinking toward the adults they encounter, so they can recognize and protect themselves from wolves in sheep's clothing?"

It's a good question, and an important one. We want to teach our children what Scripture says about obedience and submission to authority, while also helping them understand how to recognize when an authority figure is asking them to do something that goes against God's Word. So that is what we will work through here.

Whenever we are trying to train our children in something outlined in Scripture, the best move is to take them directly to Scripture. In this case, there are two questions to help them look at. First: What does God's Word say about submission to authority, and does it ever reveal that we should not submit? Let's take those one at a time.

What does God's Word say about submission to authority?

The first place you can take your children is Ephesians 6:1–4:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Ask, "What does this passage reveal about obedience and submission?" It reveals that children are to obey their parents, and that parents are called not to provoke their children to anger but to bring them up in the instruction of God.

The next passage talks about a different kind of submission. It's Romans 13:1–7. It's longer, but worth reading in full:

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

This passage reveals that citizens, as well as the foreigners living in a nation, are to submit to the authority of the government. Paul gave this instruction to all Romans, both citizens and non-citizens. All were to live under the authority of the government.

Another passage that describes a relationship in which submission is required takes us back to Ephesians, chapter 5:22–25:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

This passage reveals that wives are to submit to their husbands, and the church is to submit to Jesus.

So we have covered four relationships: children and parents, citizens and the government, wives and husbands, and the church and Jesus. Talk with your kids about how, in each of these cases, the person in authority is also given instruction. The only exception is Jesus. He is not given instructions; His actions are simply described.

Submission is not conditional on the authority obeying its own instructions

Fathers are told what to do and what not to do with their children. In Romans 13, we are told what the government is to do. In Ephesians 5, we are told what husbands are to do. But even though the people in authority are given instructions, submission to them is never dependent on the authority figure following those instructions.

For example, the passage on children does not say, "Children, obey your parents, so long as your father doesn't provoke you to anger." Children are called to submit, and parents are given the instruction not to provoke. Even if the parent does provoke the child to anger, the child's responsibility is still to submit. So we want to help our children see that God's Word is clear: there are situations in which we are required to submit to the person in authority.

Does God's Word ever reveal that we should not submit?

Now ask your children the second question: does God's Word ever reveal that we should not submit to authority? Again, we always want to bring it back to Scripture, demonstrating that Scripture is the final authority.

To answer these questions, we are taking our kids to passages of Scripture. But we will not always be there to instruct them. It is so important that our kids know how to dive into God's Word and soundly read, interpret, and apply it on their own. If you have not yet taken the children in your care through our Studying the Bible curriculum here at Foundation Worldview, it is worth a look. As of right now, this is the only curriculum available that teaches kids the skills they need to soundly read, interpret, and apply Scripture on their own. And what more could we want than that our children would know God, love Him, and seek Him through His Word all the days of their lives?

There are two clear examples in Scripture of when we should not submit. The first many of you are probably already thinking of: Exodus 1:15–21, the midwives who disobeyed Pharaoh.

Then the king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, one of whom was named Shiphrah and the other Puah, "When you serve as midwife to the Hebrew women and see them on the birthstool, if it is a son, you shall kill him, but if it is a daughter, she shall live." But the midwives feared God and did not do as the king of Egypt commanded them, but let the male children live. So the king of Egypt called the midwives and said to them, "Why have you done this, and let the male children live?" The midwives said to Pharaoh, "Because the Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women, for they are vigorous and give birth before the midwife comes to them." So God dealt well with the midwives. And the people multiplied and grew very strong. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families.

Read this with your kids and ask, "What did the midwives do?" They chose to fear God and obey Him when Pharaoh's commands went against God's commands. Rather than obeying Pharaoh by murdering the baby boys, the midwives obeyed God.

Those of you who have taken your kids through our Studying the Bible curriculum know that we spend several lessons equipping kids to tell the difference between descriptive passages and prescriptive passages. This is mainly a descriptive passage. It describes an event in Bible history. But we are also given commentary: because the midwives feared God, He dealt well with them and gave them families of their own. So we can learn that God honors those who honor Him when authorities ask them to contradict God.

The next passage is Acts 4:13–20. This comes after Peter and John healed the lame beggar at the temple, and the man began to walk and praise God. Peter and John were questioned by the Sanhedrin, put in prison overnight, and brought back for questioning.

Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus. But seeing the man who was healed standing beside them, they had nothing to say in opposition. But when they had commanded them to leave the council, they conferred with one another, saying, "What shall we do with these men? For that a notable sign has been performed through them is evident to all the inhabitants of Jerusalem, and we cannot deny it. But in order that it may spread no further among the people, let us warn them to speak no more to anyone in this name." So they called them and charged them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John answered them, "Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge, for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard."

After reading this passage, we can say: Peter and John were told by the religious leaders that they could go, but they could no longer teach in Jesus' name. What did Peter and John do? They were respectful to those in authority, but they said, in effect, "We have to speak about this. This is what God has told us to do." Peter and John refused to obey the religious leaders, and instead obeyed Jesus' command to make disciples.

The one thing kids need in order to discern

We can talk with our kids through these two passages and then say: these show us that when someone in authority tells us to do something that goes against God's Word, we are not to follow. We are to follow what God has said rather than what the person has said.

Then ask your kids, "What do we have to know in order to know whether what somebody tells us follows God's Word or goes against it?" We have to know God's Word. This is again where the Studying the Bible curriculum really comes in handy, because it equips kids to dive deep into Scripture. That is what we want: for them to know God's Word thoroughly.

Two real-life examples to share

To drive this home, give your kids examples from your own life of a time an authority figure told you to do something that was not biblical. If you don't have one, here are two from my life that you are welcome to share.

As I was preparing notes for this podcast, I thought back to when I was in kindergarten. As a kindergartner, it was my job to obey, respect, and honor my teacher, who was placed in authority over me throughout the school day. There was one little boy in my class who came from a rough home situation and had a lot of struggles. We had a bathroom in our classroom, and when he came out, he didn't know how to zip or button his pants. So instead of walking out with his pants pulled up, he would often come out in his underwear with his pants around his ankles and ask the teacher for help.

She was constantly telling him to pull up his pants before leaving the bathroom. One day she had had enough. We were seated on the rug, reading a story, and the boy came out of the bathroom and asked her for help. She laid into him. She said she had told him so many times not to walk out with his pants on the ground, and then she said, "Boys and girls, we're going to show him how foolish this is. We are all going to turn around and laugh at him. When I count to three, I want you all to turn toward him and laugh."

Even at that point I wasn't a Christian yet, but I knew from what my parents had taught me at home that making fun of another person was wrong, because that person bears God's image. So as it happened, I just sat there on the rug, kind of wide-eyed. I did not laugh at that boy. I went home and told my mom, and she said, "You did the right thing. You were not supposed to laugh at him." That was a situation where someone in authority told me to do something that went against God's Word, and I chose not to do it.

Here is another, maybe for older kids. I have a conviction not to watch movies that have nudity or sex scenes in them, so I make that a personal rule. In college, one of my courses required that we watch certain movies together as a class and write papers on them. I went to the professor, explained my conviction, and asked whether I could read a book or do the assignment on something else. The professor said no. This was part of the course, and if I chose not to watch the movie, I was choosing to get a zero on the assignment.

I remember being torn, because I really cared about my GPA. But I knew I could not watch that movie. So I took the zero. That was a situation where the professor, an authority over me, was requiring something I believed would be sinning against God, so I had to say, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to do this. I will take the punishment. I will take the zero."

If you can think of examples like that from your own life, sharing them will really help your kids understand.

What we did not get into here is what it looks like to teach our kids how to biblically submit to authority. That is a whole other topic. Several months ago we did a webinar with Ginger Hubbard on heart-centered discipline, and if you look back in our webinar archives, that conversation covers a lot of questions about training our kids in biblical, heart-based obedience.

Keep going with your kids

If you want to equip the children in your care to read, interpret, and apply Scripture on their own, so they can measure every command they're given against God's Word, our Studying the Bible curriculum walks families through exactly that. You can find it in our shop. And you can sign up for our newsletter below so you don't miss future episodes.

As we leave our time together, my prayer is that, no matter the situation you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves in, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good, using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son.