My Daughter Thinks She's Overweight: Helping a Child With Body Image, Biblically

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Today's question comes from a mom who is watching her daughter's heart break, and it is breaking hers too:

"My daughter is 10, and recently she and her classmates were comparing how much they weigh. Her weight is higher than her peers. Now she keeps saying she is so fat. She is not at all, and it breaks my heart that she thinks this. Can you help me navigate this biblically?"

This is such an important question, both for guiding our children in their body image and for guiding them any time they are tempted by comparison. So that is what we are going to dive into on the Foundation Worldview podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the Christian worldview. I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled you've joined me.

Here is the plan. First, I'll talk about this specific situation and how to guide a child who is struggling with body image. Then, in the second half, I'll look at how we help children who are comparing themselves to others in any situation, whether it's something physical like body image or anything else in life.

Say the truth first, then get to the root

For this questioner, here is how I recommend you respond. Whenever your daughter says she's fat, answer with: "You're not overweight. You are at a healthy weight, and you are beautiful."

Your daughter needs to hear that, even if she isn't believing it yet. She needs you to affirm that she is not overweight, that she is at a healthy weight, and that God has designed her beautifully.

But the next thing you want to do is get to the root of where this is coming from, because if all you do is affirm, that really won't help. Affirmation isn't the root of the issue. Why is she struggling with this comparison, with this body image?

Take her right to Genesis chapter 2, verses 20 through 25. This is where God creates Eve and gives her to Adam.

The man gave names to all the livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

You may be thinking, "Elizabeth, why on earth are you reading this passage for body image?" It's because of that last verse: "And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed."

We want our children to see that before Adam and Eve sinned, they felt no shame over their bodies. They could appreciate and enjoy their bodies just as they were. There was no danger in being vulnerable, no danger in looking at one another's bodies and judging or comparing them. They were in a perfected state. They were not self-conscious. They had no body image issues. This was the perfected state in which God created them.

Then flip to the next chapter, Genesis 3, verses 6 and 7. This is right after Eve has interacted with the serpent and decides to take the fruit.

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

How sin brought body shame

Help your child understand that sin immediately caused Adam and Eve to feel shame over their bodies. What was the immediate response? When their eyes were opened, when they became sinful, they suddenly realized they were naked and they hid themselves from each other.

Think about it. They are the only two people. It's not as if they were hiding from the rest of the population. It was just them, the animals, and God. And they sewed fig leaves together to hide themselves from one another. Their sin left them vulnerable. They were now in danger of being hurt by one another.

So we can ask our children: why do we feel shame or dissatisfaction over our bodies? It's because of sin. When your daughter feels like her body carries more weight than it should, or more than her friends, it's because of the curse of sin that she feels this sense of shame.

Then we can ask: will it always be this way? Will we always feel this shame, like we don't measure up? Here I recommend flipping all the way to the end of your Bibles, to the second-to-last chapter, Revelation 21, verses 1 through 5. Those of you who are faithful listeners know I read this passage all the time, because it's so important that we keep this perspective. This is the vision of the new heaven and the new earth that God gave to John.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new."

Read this passage with your kids and ask what truth it reveals: one day Jesus is going to return, not as the suffering servant but as the conquering King, and he is going to make all things new, including us. We are going to receive new, glorified bodies, and we will not feel shame or embarrassment or the temptation to compare.

The crab-apple tree: why boosting self-esteem fails

Any time our child is struggling with a body image issue, we want to get to this root. Why are you struggling with this? Because of sin. Because we live in a fallen world.

This is why we can't just tell our kids, "You're beautiful, this part of you is wonderful." Should we say those things? Yes, because they're true. But that's not the root of the issue.

It would be like having crab apples growing in your backyard and wanting to get rid of them all. If you just pull the crab apples off the tree and throw them in the garbage, you've gotten rid of them for a short while, but they will come back. Why? Because the tree is still there. If you don't want crab apples, what do you have to do? You have to chop down the crab apple tree. You have to get to the root.

It's the same with body image. We can't just try to bolster our children's self-esteem, because the problem is much deeper than a self-esteem issue. The problem is that we are fallen human beings. And while we are fallen, especially those of us who are female, we will struggle with body image.

Those of you in your thirties, forties, or above know that some of those issues might fade, but new ones pop up. In my twenties I wasn't worried about wrinkles; I was worried about acne and other things. Now that I'm 40, I think, "Oh my goodness, my skin is getting so wrinkly." I'm sure that as I keep aging, more and more things will replace my old insecurities.

So we get to the root. We're not just bolstering self-esteem. We're helping our kids see this is a problem we will struggle with because we are fallen. But that's not the end of the story. Jesus is one day going to return, he is going to right all the wrongs, and we are one day going to have glorified bodies.

There's another component here. We need to do more than get to the root. We also have to figure out what we're going to replace this with. What is actually the sinful component, and what do we do when we're tempted to compare? That applies not just to body image but to comparison in any area of life, so that's what we'll look at next.

The bigger issue: comparison and coveting

Now, when we think about how to guide our children when they're tempted to compare, we again want to get to the root. Take them right to Scripture. I recommend Exodus chapter 20, verse 17. This is the last of the Ten Commandments.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.

This pretty much covers everything. It says "anything that is your neighbor's," so no matter what it is.

Ask your children: what is coveting? Coveting is wanting something that someone else has, and instead of being happy for them, you want it for yourself. Coveting is a desire, and this desire is sinful. So when we recognize we're coveting, we need to repent of it. We need to put off coveting and say, "Oh God, I am not being content with what you've given me. Please forgive me." And we need to replace it. We need to put on gratitude.

First Thessalonians 5:18 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus." You want to know what God's will is for you? To give thanks right now. If you're searching for God's will, look no further. It's for you to give thanks in all circumstances.

Ephesians 5:20 says, "Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." We're to give thanks always and for everything, the good and the bad.

Philippians 4:6 and 7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." So if we want God's peace, what's part of that? Thanksgiving.

Take your kids right to these verses and ask: what are we to do when we're tempted to covet? When we wish we had made the basketball team rather than our friend? When we wish we had gotten the lead in the school play instead of the other girl? When we wish we had a more slender body like our friend, or that we were taller, or shorter, or had blonde hair, or brown hair, or darker skin, or lighter skin, or blue eyes, or brown eyes? When we wish we had this talent or that talent, this toy or that house, or a whole list of things we can covet? We are to give thanks. We repent of the sin and give thanks.

Share your own story

It can be so helpful to share stories with your kids about times you have coveted and needed to repent and replace that coveting with thankfulness. When I was growing up, I always found it encouraging when my mom shared stories about her own childhood, things she did wrong, and lessons she learned. So share with your kids times you have coveted and needed to repent.

As I was writing notes for this podcast, I was thinking about my own life, and how to this day coveting is a sin I sometimes need to repent of almost daily. Even in what I do, and I love what I get to do here at Foundation Worldview, I'm tempted to covet. I'll see other people in the world of apologetics or Christian parenting or education platformed at different events, and I'll think, "Oh God, why don't I get asked to speak at that event? Why don't I have that opportunity?" And then I catch myself: "Oh my goodness, that is coveting." So I have to pause and repent: "God, I am so sorry. Thank you for giving that person that opportunity. Thank you for what you've entrusted to me."

Even before I hit record on this podcast, I was thinking, "Oh my goodness, I'm struggling with coveting right now." I was looking at how I was being recorded and thinking, "I wish I didn't have so many fine lines around my eyes. I wish that didn't show up on camera." Then I thought of someone else who podcasts, who is about a decade older than me, and thought, "Her skin looks so much better than mine." And I realized, "Oh my goodness, I'm coveting." I had to repent: "God, I'm so sorry. Thank you for blessing this other person in this way. Thank you for the body you've given me and the opportunities you've given me that I don't deserve."

So share those stories with your kids, and then practice giving thanks together.

Pray thanks with your child

For the person who wrote in, after you've walked your daughter through these passages and truths, spend time with her thanking God for the body He has given her. Thank God that He's given her two arms and two legs that work, that she can run, jump, pick things up, breathe, talk, laugh, and sing. Then spend time thanking God for her friends and for the bodies God has given them, that they too can walk, run, jump, speak, sing, and laugh. Then ask that God would use her body to glorify Him, that her body would always be used to point others toward God.

No matter what situation our children are walking through where they are coveting, walk them through praying in gratitude. If the neighbor across the street got a new bike, spend time thanking God that the neighbor got that bike and asking that it would bless them. Then thank God for the bike He's given your child, or, if your child doesn't have a bike, thank God for the other things He's given, or even for this opportunity to grow in contentment. We really want to get to the root of coveting, because it is a sin against God, and it's a sin most of us will fight our whole lives.

That's a wrap for this episode. If you want to make sure you don't miss future content, please like and subscribe. And if you have a few minutes to rate and review, that always helps us spread the word.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is that no matter the situation you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves in, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good, using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son. I'll see you next time.

Keep going with your family. The heart of your child's struggle with "I'm so fat" is really a question about truth and feelings: is the way she feels about her body the same as what is true about it? Our picture books "What Is Truth?" and "Are Feelings True?" help kids ages 4 and up learn to tell an objective truth claim from a subjective feeling, the exact skill this episode leans on. And so you don't miss future episodes on raising kids who think biblically, sign up for our newsletter today.