Walking Children from Hurtful Words to Healing Truth

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Hello friends. On today's podcast, we're going to be talking about how we should guide our children when they are hurt by things that others have said.

What has sparked this podcast is last week we received some emails from listeners who had listened to last week's podcast about how to guide our children in processing the assassination of Charlie Kirk. These emails were saying that they had been hurt by some of the things that Charlie Kirk had said. And so from that place of hurt, how should they guide their children?

As my team and I were working on responding to these emails, one of my teammates said, "It's probably not just the listeners who have written in with these questions that are wondering this—there are probably others out there who are thinking through this as well." I thought that was a really wise insight, and I thought, why not take the time to address this so that if there are others out there who are thinking through this, we can talk through how we ourselves process when we have been hurt by something that others have said? And how do we guide our children through this process as well?

So that's what we're going to be talking about today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children that God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the biblical worldview. I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm so grateful that you've joined me for another episode today.

A Heart of Gratitude

As we dive into this topic, the first thing I wanted to say is for those of you who wrote in with these questions—I just wanted to thank you for the manner in which you wrote in your questions. I was really encouraged that the tone of the emails was very kind and very humble. In today's world where it's so easy to hear something or view something and then immediately have a response out of anger or frustration, it was so encouraging to hear from listeners who are wrestling through this and seeking to wrestle through this in a biblical way that is kind and humble. I know that was such an encouragement to me because it was really seeing the character of Christ reflected in these emails.

Five Questions for Processing Hurt

As we think through how we can help our children process and work through when they have been hurt by what someone else has said, I think there are five basic questions that we can ask ourselves and walk our children through as we're processing hurt over what someone has said.

Question 1: What Do I Think This Person Said?

Sometimes we can hear something and then immediately have a strong emotional reaction to it and not completely even understand why we have had this reaction. So once we understand what we think was said, that helps us gain clarity on why we are feeling as we are feeling.

One situation I was thinking through when jotting down this first question is several years ago I was at my parents' annual Christmas Eve party. Every year on Christmas Eve, my parents open up their home after their church's Christmas Eve service just for anybody who wants to come. My parents have a wonderful house, but it's not a huge house, and they frequently have more than a hundred people in this house on Christmas Eve.

I usually help my parents with the party—take coats, serve food, and go around and talk to people. There was one conversation that I had that after I left that conversation, I just really wanted to go away and cry. As I left, I wasn't even sure why I was feeling that way. So I actually just bolted up the stairs and took a few minutes in the bathroom to just think, "Okay, why am I feeling so deeply saddened right now?"

As I reflected back on the conversation, I had been talking with someone who I had known for a long time and they were asking me, "How is life going?" This particular year, it had been an incredibly exciting season. It was when I was just starting off with Foundation Worldview and God was opening up so many doors. I had shared all of these exciting stories. The person looked at me and said, "No, I wasn't asking about that. I was asking, who are you dating?"

So it took me a few minutes to realize why I was feeling so crushed. I was like, "Oh, I really feel like this person has just said that everything I'm doing in my life really doesn't matter because I'm single." So it was really helpful for me just to be able to have clarity on what I think I heard and why it was causing me to feel this way.

Question 2: Have I Correctly Understood What That Person Said in Context?

Sometimes we hear a phrase that's taken out of context and we don't fully understand what the person is saying.

For example, my mom is the kids' ministry director at the church where she and my dad are members. Several months ago, one of the parents called my mom after a kids' ministry lesson one Sunday, and she said, "Why did you tell my daughter that Jesus never died and rose again?" My mom was like, "What?" Because of course my mom would never say this, and I'm pretty sure the person who called her also assumed my mom would never say this, but she was like, "This is what my daughter came home saying."

When they talked a little bit further, what my mom had said is she was actually going through, I think it was Jay Warner Wallace's Cold Case Christianity for Kids with the class. They were going through different theories—alternate theories of what happened to Jesus and how they don't line up with what is true. So my mom was actually saying that some people believe in what's called the swoon theory, that Jesus didn't die, he just passed out and then he woke up when he was in the tomb. My mom was not at all saying that's what happened. She was explaining that's what some people believe is what happened, and she was trying to show how that was not correct.

We always want to make sure that we understand what someone has said in context because when we take the time to investigate the full context of a statement, we then gain clarity on what the person meant by it. Sometimes we may have fully understood what that person was saying with just one little quote, and sometimes we may realize, "Oh, actually I didn't understand that."

When we received emails last week with people asking questions about hurt over things that Charlie Kirk had said, the emails contained some quotes. What I did is I went online and I just tracked down those quotes in context. I didn't track down every single quote, but I tracked down a good majority of them. Every time I listened to the full conversation, I realized that the quote that I had been given made it sound like Charlie Kirk had been saying one thing. But when that quote was listened to in its full context, he was actually saying something completely different. Many times he was making almost the opposite point of what the quote lifted out of context made it sound like he was saying.

I'm not saying this to say that I agree with everything Charlie Kirk has ever said. I don't even know a tenth of the things that Charlie Kirk has ever said. I'm just saying that when I was given some evidence of things he had said, and I went and tracked those specific things down in their full context, I was like, "Oh, he's actually saying something very different here."

I actually saw this online last week. For those of you who are familiar with Mike Winger, the Bible Thinker, somebody had taken a bunch of different clips of things that Mike Winger said, and they made it into a TikTok video that was about maybe 90 seconds long. If you just watch that TikTok video, it's like, "Oh my goodness, Mike Winger is promoting a flat earth." When you watch the video, it sounds exactly like Mike Winger is saying that the Bible and its scholars are correct in saying that there's a flat earth or that he made it sound like the Bible was actually preaching a flat earth.

What Mike Winger did is he took that video, he played it, and then he said, "Okay, I want to show you these clips in context." When you see the clips in context, you're like, "Wow, Mike Winger is actually making the opposite argument."

We always want to make sure that we understand what someone has said in context. Once we understand the context, then we can evaluate whether our hurt or our kids' hurt is based off of something that that person actually sought to communicate, or whether that hurt is based on a misunderstanding of what they sought to communicate.

I saw this several years ago in my own life. I had a conversation with someone and this person shared with me something that a mutual acquaintance of ours had shared. This mutual acquaintance actually happened to be one of my mentors, someone who was discipling me. When this person shared what the person discipling me had supposedly said, I was crushed. I was just so sad and I was crying.

Usually when I'm struggling with things, I have just a handful of people that I call and my sister is one of those people. So I called my sister and I was just like, "Can you believe this? Can you believe this person who I so respect and has discipled me actually said this?" She was like, "Elizabeth, why are you calling me? Call this person. You need to hear from them what they said."

I was like, "You're right. Why am I calling you? Why am I not just calling them?" So I called that person and I had a conversation with them and I said, "Hey, this is what this person said that you said." My mentor, the person discipling me was like, "Yes, I did say that. Let me tell you what I said before that and after that." When they told me in context, I realized, "Oh my goodness, me feeling crushed was based off of something that my mentor said, but in the full context it meant something completely different."

Question 3: Is Any Part of This Statement True? Is Any Part of This Statement False?

Sometimes a statement within its context is entirely false. We humans are fallible and we're sinful. Sometimes either whether it's out of ignorance or on purpose, we just say things that are entirely false. Other times statements are entirely true—they completely align with reality. And then other times statements may be a combination of both.

For example, several years ago I was in a disagreement with someone that I'm very close to, and one thing this person said to me is, "You always assume the worst of me." That was obviously very hurtful to hear. But after the conversation, I went back and I reflected on this and I said, "Okay, I feel like this statement is just completely false, but is any part of it true?"

I realized the statement in its totality was not completely true. There were many times when I did not assume the worst of this person. However, there was part of the statement that was true in that there were some times when I was assuming negative motives to what this person was saying or doing, and that was unfair of me. So I parsed out like, "Okay, it's not true that I always assume the worst of this person, but there are times when I do not give this person the benefit of the doubt."

Determining what's true and what's not true is really helpful in clarifying our own thinking and evaluating our own emotions.

Question 4: What Truths Do I Need to Remember?

Remembering what is true helps us frame our thinking even amidst deep hurt. If you think back to that example that I gave earlier of me just feeling hurt at that Christmas Eve party, when that person had essentially said to me in not so many words that everything I was doing was not nearly as important as the fact that I was single—in that moment, I said, "Okay, as I'm still hurting over this, what do I need to remind myself of?"

Some of the truths that I brought myself back to were:

• Ephesians 1:4 tells me that God chose me before the foundation of the world. I was not a last minute choice, but before the foundation of the world, God had chosen me.
• Psalm 139:16 tells me that all the days that God ordained for me were written in his book before one of them came to be. When God wrote all of my days in his book, he knew that on this day, on that Christmas Eve day and on today that I would be single, and that's what God has ordained for me.
• Philippians 1:6 tells me that God is going to complete the good work that he started in me, that I can trust that what God is doing in me today is according to his purpose.

When we remind ourselves of the truth, no matter how deeply we have been hurt by something that someone has said, we can anchor ourselves in the truth about what God has said about us because what God has said about us is true. Clinging to those truths, we can anchor our lives, build our whole lives upon those truths.

Question 5: How Does Scripture Lead Me to Respond to This Hurt?

I think there are several things that Scripture leads us to do in all of these different situations.

First, Scripture leads me to carefully investigate what was said. Proverbs 18:17 says, "The one who states his case first seems right until the other comes and examines him." I hope I've modeled throughout this podcast how to actually investigate. Sometimes we hear things that are lifted out of context, and sometimes we've heard those things correctly and sometimes we have not heard them correctly. We really need to make sure we're investigating carefully—is what this person actually said what I think they have said?

Second, Scripture leads me to remember what is true. Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Yes, we can be deeply hurt and that hurt can be real, and we need to make sure that within that hurt, we are focusing on what is true about who God has said that we are.

Third, Scripture leads me to pour out my heart before God and to bring my hurt to him. Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us." God doesn't want us to stuff our emotions. He doesn't want us to deny our emotions. He has called us to bring our emotions before him, to pour out our hearts, to pour out our deep pain and our hurt and our confusion and our anger—to pour out all of these things before him and to trust that he is a refuge for us, that he is the true safe place to bring our hearts and our deep hurts.

Fourth, if we have a relationship with the person who has hurt us, Scripture calls us to bring that hurt before the person and to seek reconciliation. In this case, with people who wrote in emails asking questions last week, I'm assuming that most of these people did not have a relationship with Charlie Kirk. So this is something that wouldn't apply in this situation. But many times we and our children are going to be directly hurt by people that we have a relationship with.

When that happens, Matthew 5:23-24 says, "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Scripture leads us to bring that hurt to the other person and to seek reconciliation.

Reconciliation is not always possible. Scripture says, "As far as it depends on us," to be at peace with all people. We can be doing everything right and someone can still refuse to reconcile. In that relationship, we're called at least to try.

Finally, whether or not we have a relationship with the person who has hurt us, Scripture has called us to forgive and to trust God to be the just Judge. Romans 12:17-21 says, "Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord. To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink, for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Guiding Our Children

These are things that we can use to process hurt, and I think we can lead our children in as well to help them learn how to process their hurt in a biblical way because these are skills. We as adults, we know that we get hurt and we hurt others. These are skills we need throughout our lives, and we want to train our children in these as well.

I think with all of the different steps that we've mentioned, anytime our children are hurt by something that someone has said, we can gently and lovingly walk them through these five different questions and bring them to Scripture. Again, these five different questions are:

1. What do I think this person said?
2. Have I correctly understood what that person said in context?
3. Is any part of this statement true? Is any part of this statement false?
4. What truths do I need to remember?
5. How does Scripture lead me to respond to this hurt?

It's my prayer that as we walk our children through these different steps that we would create in them hearts that are soft towards the leading of God, soft towards God's word, soft towards others, and minds that are thinking critically and carefully.

Take the Next Step in Biblical Worldview Training

Well, that's a wrap for this episode. If this content has been helpful to you, I'd love to stay connected! Subscribe to our email list to receive more practical, biblical guidance for raising children who think critically and love God deeply. You won't want to miss our upcoming resources and episodes that will equip you to confidently navigate today's challenging cultural conversations with your children.

Also, if you're looking for age-appropriate curriculum that teaches these critical thinking skills we discussed today, explore Foundation Worldview's curriculum. Our materials are designed to help children learn to evaluate every idea they encounter through the lens of Scripture—exactly the kind of discernment skills we talked about in today's episode.

As always, as we leave our time together, my prayer for you is that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good by using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son.