When Your Child Asks If a Parent Is Going to Hell

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Hello, friends. Today's podcast question says:

How could I appropriately answer my nine-year-old son when he asks me if his dad is going to hell? My husband is agnostic and has strong feelings against God. I want to answer my son honestly, but I also don't want to make him fear God or the Bible.

These kinds of questions are hard. This one in particular, because it involves a father-son relationship. But anytime our children ask us about someone who we know is not choosing to trust in Jesus, or who is actively hostile against God, helping our children understand the truth in a way that is kind, compassionate, and thoroughly truthful can be confusing. This is a question we're going to dive deep into today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast, where we seek to answer your questions so that you can equip the children that God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the Christian worldview. I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled that you've joined me for another episode today.

Anchor the Answer in Scripture, Not Yourself

Anytime a child asks us if someone is going to hell, I recommend responding by saying, "Let's see what the Bible has to say about this." The reason I recommend responding that way is that we want to anchor the authority in Scripture, not in ourselves. This is true for almost any question our kids ask us about the faith. Rather than giving them an off-the-cuff answer, it's wise to respond by saying, "Let's see what the Bible has to say about this," so that we are pointing to Scripture as the ultimate authority.

Another reason I think it's important to answer this question by anchoring it in a full picture of Scripture is that we want to help our children see a fuller answer than just a yes or no. Anytime there's a more intense question, it helps to direct the conversation to a broader picture.

Give the Fuller Picture, Not Just Yes or No

For example, let's pretend that you and I were together in person, and you came up to me and said, "Elizabeth, am I going to die?" The short answer to your question is yes, you are going to die one day. However, there is so much more to the answer than that. The answer involves: yes, we are all going to die. All of us humans are on the road to death. But there is so much good in this life right now. Also, I don't know the future, so I can't say this with certainty, but it is very likely that you have more than 24 hours left on this earth. And even if you didn't, the life that we as Christians are anticipating after death is infinitely better than anything we can imagine in this life. I hope you see that the answer to "am I going to die?" is so much broader and fuller than just the short answer.

Similarly, the short answer to your son's question is yes. If your husband is dead in his sins, he is destined for hell. But there is so much more to the answer than that, and we want to give our children that broader picture.

Before we dive in, I just want to ask that if you have been encouraged by this podcast, please make sure that you like and subscribe so that you don't miss any future episodes. Also, even if you subscribed in the past, check that you are still subscribed, because YouTube and Apple Podcasts sometimes stop subscriptions randomly. And if you are listening on a podcast platform, please invest the short amount of time it takes to rate and review this content. The more ratings we get, the easier it is to get this content into more hands and to equip even more Christian parents to get their kids thinking critically and biblically.

Who Does the Bible Say Is Headed for Hell?

A question we can ask our kids as we head to Scripture is: who does the Bible say is headed for hell? That matters, because in this question the son has specifically asked about his dad. We do want to answer the question about the dad, but first we want to look at the broader picture. A passage that speaks to this clearly is Ephesians chapter two, verses one through three. We can open up to Ephesians two and read it with our kids.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience, among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the flesh and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

So we can ask our kids, who does this passage say is under God's wrath? It says all of mankind. All of mankind is doing things that are disobedient. All of mankind is naturally living in the passions of the flesh, carrying out the desires of the flesh and the mind, and are therefore under God's wrath. Everyone by nature is a child of wrath and is headed toward hell. That's our natural state, the state into which we were born. So that's the answer to the first question. Who does the Bible say is headed toward hell? Everyone. All of us deserve hell.

Is This the End of the Story?

Then we can ask our kids: okay, so is this the end of the story? Is it just that we're all headed for hell, end of story? This is where we keep reading in Ephesians chapter two, picking up at verse four and reading through verse ten.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ. By grace you have been saved. And raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

So we can ask our kids: this is not the end of the story, so what is God's solution? We are all by nature headed to hell. What is God's solution to this problem? God has made a way for us to be reconciled, to be made right in our relationship with him. How did God do this? He did it by giving of himself, so that Christ Jesus laid down his life for us, that we might be made alive with him.

I love Ephesians chapter two, verses one through ten, because it's such a clear contrast. Verses one through three are what we once were and what all humans naturally are. Then verse four starts with the conjunction "but." It contrasts verses one through three with four through ten. But God, because he is rich in mercy and has great love for us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ. So we can review: Who is headed for hell? Everyone, in their natural state. Is this the end of the story? No. God gave of himself, his only Son, that we might have our sins forgiven and be reconciled to him.

What Are God's Thoughts Toward This Person?

A third important question to ask, for this questioner, is: what are God's thoughts toward your husband right now? This is something we can ask our kids no matter who they're asking about, whether it's grandma, a friend, or a neighbor. What are God's thoughts toward this person right now? Here, 1 Timothy chapter two really helps us. First Timothy chapter two, verses one through six, reads:

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.

So we can ask our kids: what are God's thoughts toward this person who we know is dead in their sins? God has urged us to pray for them, to offer supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings, because God desires for all people to be saved. God desires for your husband, for your son's father, to be saved. This is because of God's great love for us. We want to walk our kids through this arc: Who's headed to hell? Everyone, by nature. Is this the end of the story? No, God sent his only Son to pay the penalty for our sin that we might be reconciled to him. And what are God's thoughts toward this person we love who is unsaved right now? God wants us to pray for them, because he desires that they come to the knowledge of the truth and have Jesus as their mediator.

Reflecting Christ in Your Home

So, for this questioner: walk your son through these passages of Scripture to understand your husband's current state, what God has done, what God's desire is for your husband, and then talk with your son about how you can reflect Jesus to your husband in the home.

For those of you who have gone through our Attributes of God curriculum here at Foundation Worldview, that curriculum focuses first on several of God's incommunicable attributes, the attributes he alone possesses, and then in the second half on his communicable attributes, the attributes he kindly allows us to reflect to others. This curriculum is for children roughly ages four through eight. If you've gone through it with your kids, this will be an easier conversation, because your kids will have a biblical footing for understanding what God's communicable attributes are and how to reflect those attributes to a person they love who does not yet know the truth.

If you haven't taken your son through the Attributes of God curriculum and he's too old for it, you can take him right to Scripture, talk about what God's attributes are, and then talk about how to reflect those in the home. A passage that speaks to this is 1 Peter chapter two, verses eleven and twelve:

Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

So you can talk with your son about how, when his father is speaking negative things about God, this is when your son can continue to love God, honor God, obey God, and reflect who God is to your husband, so that, Lord willing, your husband's thoughts and beliefs about God will change.

Now, this is a lot to put on a child. So I recommend that you talk with your son about this, but do not put the weight on him that his behavior is foundational for your husband's salvation, because that is not true. What is foundational for your husband's salvation is God's grace and your husband's submission to God. Share with your son that his behavior can point your husband toward God, but never, when your son is sinning and you're disciplining him, use your husband's salvation as a leveraging tool. That is not what God has called us to, and it is not accurate.

Loving and Honoring an Unbelieving Spouse

I would encourage you, as the mom, to continue modeling Christlike behavior to both your husband and your son. The next chapter, 1 Peter chapter three, verses one and two, speaks directly to this:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

This verse doesn't mean that if your husband asks you to do something illegal, you submit to it. We are to submit primarily to God. If someone in authority over us tells us to do something that goes against God's law, we are not to engage in it. So if your husband asks you to engage in pornography together, you don't do that, because it is against what God has called for in marriage. If your husband asks you to cheat on your taxes together, you don't, because that is not obeying the civil authorities God has placed above you. However, in all other situations where your husband is not asking you to do something against God's law, it's your submission and your respectful, pure conduct that points your husband toward Jesus.

So when your son is around (and really, you should be doing this at all times), focus on your husband's positive qualities, and do this in your own heart as well. Praise your husband for these things in front of your son. You don't want your son to view his dad only as a non-believer. Yes, that is true, and you pray and work toward your husband coming to know Jesus one day. However, your husband bears God's image. He is your son's father. So focus on the positive qualities, even if it feels like a stretch. Think about the things your husband does that are beneficial for your family, the things that align with God's design. If he is working a job and bringing home a paycheck, he is providing for your family, so praise him for that in front of your son. If he takes out the trash, or goes to your son's soccer game, praise him for being an involved dad. Focus on becoming a wife who reflects Christ, and you will speak volumes to both your husband and your son.

For anyone else listening who is in a similar situation, I'm speaking specifically to the women right now. Whether your husband is a Christian or not, I highly recommend a study called Woman of Noble Character, put out by Barb Wilson, who runs an organization called Run to Truth. You can search for Run to Truth and then the Woman of Noble Character study. It's a 26-week study that looks at what it means to be a woman who honors God, and it focuses heavily on marriage. I think it will help anyone's marriage. I'm going through it right now myself, even though I'm not married. I'm leading a small group through that study, and I've seen how God has grown me in godly character through it, and how God has grown the marriages of the two women going through it with me.

The Full Picture for Your Kids

Just as a reminder, as we talk with our kids about anyone they ask about, we want to start by looking at who the Bible says is headed for hell. Is this the end of the story? And then, what are God's thoughts toward this unsaved person right now? We want to give our kids the full picture: that we all have equal footing. We are all born headed to hell, rebelling against God. And God gave of himself. He sent Jesus to die in our place so that we might be reconciled to him. God has a deep love for us. So your unsaved friend or family member: God desires that that person come to the knowledge of him, turn their life toward him, repent of their sin, trust in him, and be reconciled to him. That's what we want to help our kids see.

Well, that's a wrap for this episode. If you have a question that you would like for me to answer on a future Foundation Worldview Podcast, you can submit it by going to foundationworldview.com/podcast. We literally could not do this podcast without you, so to all of you who have submitted questions, thank you so much.

As we leave our time together, my prayer for you is that, no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, you would trust that God is working all things together for your good, by using all things to conform you more into the image of his Son. I'll see you next time.