When to Ask Questions vs. Give Direction: Parenting Wisdom

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In this episode, we explore whether parents should always ask their kids questions to encourage critical thinking, even in everyday tasks like chores and discipline. Elizabeth Urbanowicz discusses when it's appropriate to ask questions and when it's essential to give direct commands, especially in the context of biblical parenting. Tune in for practical advice on how to balance guidance and questions in your parenting approach.

Transcript

Note: The following is an auto-transcript of the podcast recording.

Hello, friends. Today's podcast question says, "you frequently stress the importance of asking kids questions to get them to think critically. But does this strategy apply to all areas of life, like having kids do chores, follow directions, et cetera?" Really interesting questions for us to think through today on the Foundation Worldview Podcast where we seek to answer your questions so that you can get the kids that God has placed in your care to carefully evaluate every idea they encounter and understand the truth of the biblical worldview. I'm your host, Elizabeth Urbanowicz, and I'm thrilled that you've joined me for this episode today.

Now, if you are not familiar with the Foundation Worldview podcast or ministry, you have probably never heard us give argumentation before for why it's so important to have our kids ask and answer deep questions so that they can get thinking. So if you're unfamiliar with that, highly recommend that you check out our podcast archive and just listen to some other episodes so that you can get a fully well-rounded understanding of why it's so important to ask our kids deep questions to get them thinking.

Now today what we're going to look at is does this method of question asking apply to other areas of life like having our kids do chores, giving them directions and just having them involved in other parts of family life. Now, my short answer to this question is it depends. For example, if our children need to think through a poor decision that they have made, then yes, asking questions is a great strategy. For example, if our child was told to unload the dishwasher, but instead of putting the dishes away like they knew they were supposed to, they just left them out on the counter rather than giving them a lecture on the importance of putting dishes away and the importance of being obedient and those kinds of things. What we can do instead is ask questions to get them thinking. For example, "what might happen if your little brother found the knives you left out on the counter?" So to get them thinking through what would be the logical consequences of this decision that they made? Or if a child was told to put his or her bike in the garage after they were done riding it, and instead they left it lying right in the middle of the driveway. First we're going to want to have them put the bike away, but then we can ask them questions to get them thinking like a question like "What would've happened if I didn't see your bike lying there while I was backing the car out of the garage?" So to ask them so that they can see what the natural consequences of that choice would be in those kind of situations where we need our children to think critically through a poor decision that they made and why they're being punished and what decision they need to make next time, question asking can be really, really helpful.

It can also be helpful in discipline situations when we're trying to get to the heart of what is going on. You know, we're not just seeking to just discipline them and simply correct their behavior. Do we want to correct their behavior? Yes, but we want to go deeper. We want to get to the heart of what's going on so we can ask them questions such as, "What happened? Tell me what happened". Then "What decision did you make? Why did you make that decision? What happened when you made that decision?" So to help them to carefully evaluate the situation that they were just in, where they made a sinful choice so that they can think through it and we can really get to the heart of what's going on because it's really the heart where we want transformation.

Now, the situations in which I would say asking questions is not appropriate is when we are giving directions to our children. Now, this is a mistake that I made frequently in my first year of teaching, but I'm so grateful that the principal at my school corrected. And so my first year of teaching, I was only 21 years old. The students that I was teaching were 10 or 11. So even though I was a whole decade older than them, I was significantly younger than their parents and I had just graduated college. I didn't even really feel like an adult. I just kind of felt like a college student who happened to have a job. And so that year of teaching, I was kind very shy about giving my students directions. So I would say, okay, can you please line up now or can you please take out a pencil or please stop doing this or can you go and get this? And I remember one of the observations that my principal ran in my classroom, I think as a first year teacher, I think I was observed once or twice a month. And then I would go into my principal's office and we'd sit down and talk through what I had done. And several months into my teaching experience, one of the things he noticed is he said, you ask the students a lot of questions in times when you should be giving directions. And I said, can you give me an example of that? And he gave me examples of several of the things that I had asked my students when I should have been giving them commands. Now, obviously as a teacher, I wasn't going to rule with an iron fist. I wasn't going to be mean to my students. But what I had failed to recognize in those first months of teaching is that I wasn't just a slightly more mature student. I was actually in a position of authority over my students and that actually they were all safer and they would be healthier and happier in my classroom if I fully stepped into that role of authority so that they knew that I had that authority and that I would protect them.

Now, this mistake that I made in my first few months of teaching is a mistake that I see many parents make. For example, when it's time to go out, I see a lot of parents say, can you please put your shoes on? Now? That is a very nice way to talk to a child. And do we want to talk to our children nicely and with respect? Yes. However, if we ask a question like, can you please put your shoes on? We are placing ourself in an equal playing field as them. That asking these kind of questions sends the unbiblical message that parents and children are on equal playing fields in the home.

Now, if what I just said really rubbed you the wrong way, hear me out. Biblically, parents and children are of equal value, dignity and worth. Parents and children are equally loved by God and equally in need of redemption. So as far as value and worth, parents and children are on equal playing fields. However, within the household, children and parents have not been given equal roles. Now, this is directly in contradiction with what some prevailing parenting philosophies of the day preach. Many, not many, I should say, a few prevailing parenting philosophies preach that children and parents are of equal roles in the home. So you need to treat your child exactly as you want your child to treat you. Now, should we treat our children with love? Yes, should we expect our children to treat us with love? Yes. However, the biblical truth is that God has given different roles to the different people in the home, and children do not have the same role as the parents. And now this to our modern ears, which like modern society just preaches that in order for people to have equal value, they must have equal roles, which this just simply isn't true.

I think of myself, I am a teacher by nature. I love being a teacher. That's how God has gifted me. If every single person in the world were a teacher, it would be a terrible thing. I just went to the doctor yesterday. When I was at the doctor's office, I didn't want my doctor to be a teacher. I wanted her to be a doctor. I wanted her to have knowledge of medicine. So equality of value does not equal equality of role or function. And so our children need to know that in the home, we as parents have been given the responsibility of managing the home and leading the family well. And while our children in their sin might buck against this because they want total freedom, ultimately this does lead to security. And this does lead to safety and it leads to flourishing because when children know that they are not in charge, that they are not the ones that are in control in the home, that the mom and the dad are, it leads to a security in knowing that mom and dad are there to protect them and provide for them. However, having our children understand might take some intentional training.

As I was writing my notes for this podcast, I was thinking about two different situations that I encountered recently and where people in my life had to help their children see that they did not have equal roles in the home. One of them was several weeks ago with my niece that I was FaceTiming with my sister and my niece. And when I was FaceTiming with them, I could tell that my niece had been crying. And I said, oh sweetie, what's wrong? And in her 2-year-old voice, she says, mommy disobeyed me. And as a 2-year-old, the word disobey is the only language that she has for did not do what I wanted her to do. And so my sister handled it really well. My sister and I were both kind of chuckling, but my sister said, no, mommy did not disobey you because mommy is not supposed to listen to you. That's not the job God has given mommy, but mommy didn't do what you wanted her to do.

And then another situation, one of my friends, when she is working with her children and she's trying to get them to think critically about mistakes that they've made, she'll ask her three or 4-year-old, did you obey mama's word? So that they're getting in their minds like, oh, my job is to obey mama's word. Well, her three-year-old and her four-year-old got into an argument a little while ago, and a three-year-old ran in the room and said the older sister's name and said, she is not obeying my word. And again, my friend and I kind of chuckled and my friend explained, she's not supposed to obey your word because you are not mommy. So sometimes we're going to need to help our children understand this, that they're loved, that they're valuable, but they are not the ones that God has placed in authority in the home.

Now the Bible is clear that authority in the home is given to the parents, but it's also equally clear that authority in the home is to be authoritative, not authoritarian. Now those words are similar, authoritative versus authoritarian. Authoritarian is the traditional like my way or the highway attitude, the "I tell you to jump, you ask how high" that is, not at all what the Bible presents as what parents should do. What the Bible presents is an authoritarian view of parenting where the parents are an authority. The parents are responsible for bringing up the children in the ways of the Lord. The parents are responsible for disciplining the children, and they're doing that in love, considering what is best for the child. This is clear in Ephesians chapter six verses one through four, those verses read "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"- which is the first commandment with a promise- "so that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

So here it's clear that parents, specifically fathers are not to provoke their children to anger. They're not supposed to be that authoritarian figure that it's just my way or the highway. They're supposed to lead with authority and with confidence and with love. And this is what we want to help our children understand. Now, our children are naturally going to buck against the leadership that we have in the home. Why? Because we are all fallen. And we all now in our fallen state falsely believe that freedom, that true freedom, that true life equals complete freedom from restraint. I shouldn't use the word freedom to define that. Sorry. How can I say that better? That it means unshackling ourself from all restraint where that is not true. When we think about freedom, freedom, we might think, oh, it includes to make the decision if I wanted to, that I can jump off of a building without a power shoot. Okay, yes, that's getting rid of all restraints, but is that actual freedom? Is that actual flourishing? No, because if I jump off of a tall building without a parachute, that is going to lead to death. And so we want to help combat this idea that our children naturally have that in order to be happy, they have to be free of all restraints. And you know what the amazing thing is? Is that as we practice biblically, the God-given authority that we have in our homes, even though our children may buck against it deep down inside, they are going to be grateful for this.

I was thinking as I was writing the notes for this podcast just of a story my year where I student taught, I was actually in a really unique situation when I did my student teaching. My student taught in an inner city classroom just on the outskirts of Boston. And the teacher that I was assigned to, she was pregnant and she actually had her baby early. So I was only with her for two weeks. She had her baby and then I was in the classroom and they actually didn't get a substitute for a while. So it was just me as the student teacher alone in the classroom with the students. And there was a lot of students in that classroom that came from troubled backgrounds. And there was one student in particular who he just had a really difficult family situation. And all throughout the other grade levels, he had kind of been coddled. And even with some of the specialists that he saw in the school, he had been coddled and they would just always ask him questions and he would never be forced to do anything where I thought, this is it. I'm the third grade teacher. It's my responsibility to make sure that he does his work to make sure that he grows in reading, that he grows in his ability to write and mathematics and all this. And so I loved him and I was not authoritarian him, but I definitely was authoritative and I told him what he needed to do. And when he did not do that, there were consequences. Where with everybody else in the school, they would never implement any consequences with him because they just thought, oh, he comes from such a rough situation, we just need to be kind. Where I thought the kindest thing I can do to this kid is give him some boundaries and have high expectations for him. There were many times where this child, he would get angry and he would throw something and I would have to discipline him. There was even a few times where I had to send him to the principal's office, but I had high expectations for him. I tried to make sure that he knew that I loved him, but he would buck against that authority. And so I just felt kind of like a failure in that situation, if I'm being honest. Well, on my last day of student teaching, finally my last few weeks, they did hire a substitute, just have her transition while I was transitioning out. And on the last day of my student teaching, they threw a little party for me and we were taking pictures, the kids were taking pictures with me and we couldn't find this one student. His name was Daniel. And I asked the substitute teacher, I was like, have you seen Daniel? He's here today. Where did he go? And she was like, he's actually out in the hallway crying. And so I went out in the hallway to talk with him and he was just sobbing. And I asked him what was wrong and he didn't say anything, but he just gave me a hug and he wouldn't let me go. And that was a real aha moment for me because for the whole four months, I felt like I was always the bad guy and I was always implementing rules that nobody else was implementing and having really high expectations when everybody else was like, don't do that. He just needs a little bit of space. And even though he bucked against that deep down inside, that's what he wanted, is he wanted someone to actually love him by setting boundaries, someone to have high expectations for him, someone to actually let him know that he was loved and protected and cared for.

And so in these situations, when we're training our kids, when we're giving them chores, when we're disciplining them, when we're giving them directions to follow, that is not the time to be asking them questions. They need to know that while they're of equal value, dignity, and worth, they do not have an equal role with us as parents in the home. This is how God designed it. This is what is best. This is what leads this flourishing. And then in times where they need correction in times where they need to be disciplined, those are times when we can ask them questions to critically think through what has happened.

Now, if you would, just like a model for this, if you are not familiar with any of our curriculums at Foundation Worldview that are for children ages four on up, we have our Biblical Worldview curriculum, our Attributes of God curriculum, and our God's Good Design curriculum. I think these curriculums are great models of times to ask children questions and time to give directions. We probably don't do this a hundred percent perfectly in those curriculums, but for the vast majority of the time, we ask really good questions to get them thinking, and then we give them very clear directions for things that they need to do. So highly recommend that if you haven't checked out those curriculums before, check out a free sample of those curriculums. You can use 'em with your kids, and they'll also be a great model for you of what are the times when it's appropriate to ask our children questions to get them thinking? And what are the times when we just need to give directions?

Well, that's a wrap for this episode. But as always, my prayer for you as we leave this time together is that no matter the situation in which you and the children God has placed in your care find yourselves, that you would trust that God is working all things together for your good. By using all things to conform you more into the image of His Son. I'll see you next time.